Curiosity killed the cat... or made it stronger?

I have to admit something... I know way too much about how my legs work (or don't work, as the case may be).

I'm a researcher. When something doesn't work, I need to find out why either by taking it apart or looking things up... when something does work, I still like to find out why. Hell, sometimes I just like to know how things work in general. I'm just not very good at the technical terms.

For example, this is what happened when I decided to adjust "one thing" on Saber

So when the doctors started throwing out all kinds of medical terms, I started asking them to then tell me "in english" and looked up what they were talking about. I know that the problem with my hamstring is actually coming from my gluteus, which is caused the "muscle spasm" in my lower back/upper hip. I know that when the doctors and therapists tell me that my hip is messing with my knee, it's due to the aforementioned muscle spasm, my sensitive IT band, and (now) weak quads. I know that most of my ankle problems are actually traveling down from my calf.. and that the rest are caused by my "jacked up" foot structure (that's the kind of technical term I remember.. straight from a podiatrist). I know that so many defects have been identified in my joints, that even the doctors are probably starting to wonder how I made it so far. I know what muscle hurts, why it hurts, and how to stretch it to make it stop hurting.
A conversation with my chiropractor a while back; She had asked about my activity over weekend and I told her it was fun, but I did too much... My hip area "is not happy, I would go so far as to say it's angry".
Her reply: I mostly have patients are in tune with their bodies or are just really not, and then there's you in this whole other class. I'd put you in with Marines, Navy SEALS, martial artists, pro athletes... You know specifically what hurts and why, and you still go out and ride or roll and say I'm gonna do this anyway!

But just in my legs.

I have ventured into new territory now; the upper body. I know a bit about my shoulder and neck because I've been to physical therapy for that, but this week it came into full focus that I need to learn more. It took many searches to finally find the stretches I needed for my upper back... turned out to be as simple as looking up stretches for my trapezius muscles. And I have already learned that working on the muscles down my sides help put the shoulder blades back where they should be, which will also helps the trapezius.... also working on my neck will help too.

I thought I had sensitive spots in my legs...... those were nothing as compared to the smaller muscles in the upper body..

Face Your Fears

You see, ever since I fell during the marathon, I've been afraid to fall again. I've had some bad run ins with hills, some panicky moments, but I kept telling myself I needed to fully recover from Dopey. Get my strength back. So for my run, I went to a trail that I frequent quite a bit, one I know I can do... but when I had to turn around for the third time, I got mad. At myself, at Tsunami, at the trail, and finally, at my brother (but more on that one later). I had gotten myself stuck between two inclines that I couldn't get up and ended up charging at one of them. I wasn't ready for it and ended up rolling backwards, desperately trying to stop without flipping. As Tsunami finally stilled, halfway off the trail and no longer pointing in any useful direction, I had found my answer; I was too afraid to fall and wasn't reacting like I usually do in this kind of situation.

I wrote that about 5 months ago.. if you didn't read that post, my usual reaction is to go out as soon as possible attacking hills.. going balls to the wall trying to figure out how to do it right. I was working on that still when I sprained my fingers at the end of June, then Tsunami was benched for a month. Two weekends ago, I was able to participate in the 5K I had signed up for, last weekend I did really well with my goal mileage at the Relay For Life, so this week I really worked on picking up my training schedule. Today, was my first long run; 15 miles. I figured it would be a good way to figure how much training I lost or how well all the cross training I had been doing worked.

Seems all that cross training was working on my confidence as well. I ended up going to the same trail as I spoke of in the quoted post above. First thing I did was go straight to that incline that sent me backwards. All the way there, I was making a plan on how to get up.

Then I got there. It was right in front of me. It wasn't much of an incline.

All the plans went out the window and I just headed right up. I couldn't go much farther on that part of the trail, so I soon headed back and went a different direction... towards another incline I hadn't been sure about. I went up the first part of that one, but didn't want to waste my time going all the way up just to turn around there; I can't go down the other side because I need a spotter with me to figure out how to get over a bump coming back up. This time, when I got back to the cross trail, I decided to go the direction I've never really gone before. This one immediately has an overpass, which I had seen when I was driving to the park, it had looked long and not too steep so I headed up and over. And for the next 5.5 miles, I encountered some underpasses and a couple declines that were going to get interesting on the way back. I went a little farther than I was supposed to because I was so close to the end of the trail.. can't pass that up! An older gentlemen on a bike passed me near the end and as he came up next me, he proclaimed "The key to life is to just keep moving forward. Keep on truckin'!"

I was at about 12 miles when I got to the first incline. I was tired. I sat and looked at it for a moment while I rested. I decided it was like the driveway at home and made it up just fine. That one led to a bridge to get to a crosswalk, which led across the street to get back on the trail... but to get back to the trail, there's a small, steep bump. While avoiding all the bikes that were crossing the opposite direction, I was unprepared for the bump. 

I got stuck. My front tire came up a couple inches. I rolled back just a fraction. I dug in. I pushed down the panic as I pushed down on the rim. Finally, I got the tires to move and I had a small fireworks show in my head. A few more pushes and I was at the top. I happened to look over at the car stopped at the light next to me and the guy in passenger seat was cheering me on behind his window. I gave him a bright smile and turned onto the trail.

Now I was really tired, and I knew I still had that overpass to get back over... plus I was going slightly uphill with a headwind. I took it easy the next couple miles and sat at the bottom of the overpass for a couple minutes. I'm not going to say it was easy, but I got over it.. my 15th mile beep sounded as I headed back down, but I pushed back to the cross trail before resetting my Garmin for a cool down back to the car.

During the cool down, it really dawned on me what I just accomplished:
1) I was able to pick up my training where I should be rather than where I left off
2) I proved I am stronger than I was before my injury
3) I made it up some freakin' hills that I wouldn't have been able to a few months ago
4) I did it all confidently.. at that first incline, I was even a little cocky
5) Aaaaaand I am still in one piece!

Keep on truckin'!

Adapting Goes Both Ways

Stay with me for just a moment... Pretend you're at the bottom of a rock wall and need to get to the top. What do you do?

Wait for it to shrink?

Scream at it?

Grab a hammer and chip away at it?

Start climbing?

If you answered one of the first two options, you're not going to like this... but if you answered one of the last two, I might get a high five by the time I'm done. I'm not going to guarantee it though..

I seem to be in this limbo area when it comes to handicap access. I lived 31 years in a world where I could get into any building or area without wondering how, and for almost 2 years now I question almost everywhere I go. I have to ask if I can get into a friend's house, I have to wonder where the ramp is, I have to look for those little blue signs, I have to find someone to reach things on high shelves in stores.

However.

I do these things; I look, I ask, I search, I find. For those places that aren't quite up to ADA Standards or are doing the bare minimum, I ask for help and/or accommodations. I will admit, I do get upset when I don't see a ramp, or the aisles are not wide enough, or the tables are too close together, or any other situation that just doesn't work with wheelchairs. I just don't pop off at the person who ends up trying to help me.. unless they own the place, it's not their fault. I thank them for helping, and later I contact the company to address my concerns.. in the midst of that, I may also leave a compliment for the person who helped.

My point is, we do need to raise awareness for making the world more adaptable.. and I have found that is done more easily if we all work together. For those people that are just calling for every inch of every town, city, and village be accessible right now (not literally, but that's what it's starting to sound like from some directions), try moving forward a bit yourself. Don't wait for a ramp to appear in front of you, move as far forward as you can, then ask for help; people are more responsive when meeting in the middle somewhere. The human condition is a give and take engine, when it's too one-sided one side is sure to tire out.

Going back to my original metaphor; walls don't shrink (at least not quickly or without some kind of outside help), and screaming at them isn't going to change them... but if you chip away at it, it'll finally crumble. And if you find a way to climb, you conquer the wall.

Disclaimer: When I say meet in the middle somewhere, I want to point out that everyone's point in the middle is in a different spot, depending on their abilities. I am lucky enough to be pretty mobile.. I'll jump a curb or small step in my chair, and given the right help, I can stand and walk a short distance. Some say I just haven't been in the chair long enough to be so up in arms, but I sincerely hope I never get to a point where I don't want to do my part or I believe that my part isn't being active...

Relay For Life

This weekend, I participated in my third Relay For Life of San Lorenzo (my hometown) with my team, the Purple People Eaters. I took Saber, Tsunami, my crutches, and Bumblebee... I don't think I've introduced Bumblebee yet, that's my FreeWheel, the extra wheel you can see on the front of Saber in the picture above. Quite a few times on the track, other participants made the comment that I brought many manners of moving with me. My response was at least I was more prepared than previous years.

2012: I was in a boot.. little did I know, my leg was already breaking down at this point, but at the time I just thought my foot was complaining. I walked my first 7 miles in the boot with some rides in the wagon (until we went too fast, especially with my weight in it, and broke an axle), then went barefoot and made it another 10 miles through the night before calling it at 17 in the early, early morning. I then walked one more mile in the morning in honor of my inspirations.

2013: I brought Saber and my cane. I hadn't built up my endurance enough to push Saber the whole time, and ended up finishing more miles with my cane. This time, I made it to 19 miles plus my extra mile.

2014: This year, my goal was to make it to at least 20 miles, so I wanted to give myself the best opportunity to do that... especially since I haven't been able to train much lately since spraining my fingers. And so I brought my menagerie of wheels with me. Bumblebee made pushing Saber on the new track much easier, Tsunami didn't entirely like the texture of the track (but worked pretty well), and I usually walked in the grass when I used my crutches (of course I was barefoot!). And I did make my 20 mile goal... plus my extra mile!

I was on the committee for the 2nd year and we've been planning this event since the beginning of the year, but it never really hits me how special this event is until we're right on top of it. That feeling is always there, it just seems to get pushed back a bit in the planning so that it can jump out to full attention right when I need it. The month of planning gets pretty chaotic as everything comes together... add in my hospital visit a couple weeks before (while I was working projects for the event!) and subsequently losing that week entirely, and it got to be a little extra for me.

I was lucky to have plenty of help and managed to get everything done, so as I sat down and made my Luminaria bags, I decided I was walking for two special people currently fighting the fight; my uncle and my friend. I always wear my hat emblazoned with all the people I'm walking for, but I chose to focus on those two as I stopped for my bead during each lap. My pattern was purple (for general cancer awareness), different colors of strength and support, black with sparkles (for my friend.. there wasn't any teal as she has requested her awareness color should be, so I went with sparkles), and silver (for my uncle, for brain tumor awareness).

Many races and events I go to, people tell me what an inspiration I am.. merely for being out there. While I'm happy to encourage people to get/stay active for any reason, I look forward to the day that seeing someone in a wheelchair or on crutches or whatever different mode of transportation is just someone else that wants to get/stay moving. I got a bit of that feeling this weekend. The true inspirations were anyone that hit that track; the survivors, the caregivers, the friends and family, the supporters.. anyone that came out to the event to help along the dream of having a world without cancer. And for 24 hours (or more), I was the same as everyone else.

I was walking for loved ones.

I was walking for hope.

I did it a bit differently, sometimes each lap was different, but that didn't matter. I was just out there, getting in as many laps as I could. Just like everyone else.

And on that note, I leave with you with two fun moments...

Master of Hopscotch!!

No one was really playing, so my friend said we should play... I was sitting in one of my chairs at the time, so I laughed at first, then got my crutches and went to play! I'm not entirely fast, but I don't miss any of the spaces ;)

Aaaaand there was a Super Hero lap... by Team Super Heroes, and they had a super hero mask craft at their booth, so I made one just in time for the lap.. but while stopped I had made the comment that I couldn't do the super hero pose with my hands on my hips and still be able to go anywhere. When my friend and I were about to pass our own booth, I pulled my mask down and gave a good push so I could pass by with my super hero pose...

Neeeeeext....

I don't think my new doctor likes me very much... in fact I will probably never see him again. He immediately passed me off to the next doctor.

-He didn't like that I got proactive and got a wheelchair. Told him my leg doesn't support me and it was making the other leg worse. "Why did you get the wheelchair?" My leeeeeeeg doesn't support meeeee....
-Didn't like that I denied physical therapy because it didn't work last time, despite him insisting that all my knee needs is "stronger quad muscles". Hey, can you start a debate with the guy at Stanford? He thought my problem was my hamstring was too tight...
-Didn't like that I wasn't going to fit in the usual "box" of diagnoses. "Well, the more you use the chair, the more your leg will atrophy." I lost most of my strength and endurance while still consistently riding a bike.. until I couldn't ride anymore. "That's not right, you shouldn't lose strength while you're working the muscles." Welcome to my appointment, doc!
-Didn't like that I got upset when he said they could probably fix the labral tear (if I do, in fact, have one) and at least get me some relief. That's a good start, buuuuut....
-And he especially didn't like when I told him if he was going to continue to tell me there's nothing to be done with anything except my hip, then I'm going to request they take off the rest of my leg. "Uh, well, uh.. no one is going to just amputate your leg." Just? It's been 20 years, I'm done. This is a quality of life issue if you're telling me there's nothing "medically" wrong other scar tissue and other evidence from the surgeries.

The appointment recap:
The doctor walks in and tries to confirm I'm there for knee pain, I correct him and call it leg pain.... then go through everything I've been told so far. He asks about injury, I take him back 20 years. He asks about my MRI, then leaves for about 30 minutes to get the report from the MRI place. He finally comes back and says there coooouuuld be a tear, so he's sending me to the doctor that will be able to confirm and do the surgery, if necessary. Then we have that fun conversation about the muscles as he has me walk in front of him... he tries to blame it on the chair, I tell him about riding my bike and subsequent physical therapy. He decides to get an MRI of my lower back.

Aaaaaaaand that was it, I have officially been passed off to the next doctor. And I don't think I made any friends today.. with the doctor anyway, the nurse and the lady that checked me in seemed to like me well enough. And according to the nurse, the next doctor is "really good, and is the head of the department". I'll just hope that's a good sign.

Lumbar MRI: August 27th
Next Doctor: Was the 19th, but now they're sending me a modified appointment because they want the MRI done first.. so probably early September.