"You can't do that..."
I have been told that a lot my entire life. As a kid, it was mostly from my brother or other boys and it became equated to "I dare you!" I was convinced that I could do anything the boys were doing even though I grew up in a time, place, and family that tried to convince me I should only play with dolls and wear dresses. I did, but my dolls sat in the basket on my bike while I rode as fast as I could down the driveway or they watched as I climbed the nearest tree... and it drove my mom crazy that I was so un-ladylike in my cute little dresses.
I lost that a bit in my teenage years; I still had that rebellion, but I believed it more when I was told I couldn't or shouldn't do something as my knee became more and more painful. I sat on the sidelines at PE, I danced in the back row in choir, I watched and hoped more often than I tried.
After my second surgery, that rebellion came back full force. At age 22, I was promised a knee replacement in my future and I was mad that the story that would lead to that was boring... and that I had taken it easy between surgeries and still ended up needing another one. When I was released from physical therapy I asked for exercises I could keep doing and got back on my bike. A year later, I started training for half marathons and for each person that told me I couldn't or shouldn't be able to finish, I became more determined I was going to do just that. Maybe in spite of them, but definitely to prove to myself I could.
And I kept going from there, trying new things and pushing my limits for eight years... then my legs stopped working right and a wheelchair and crutches appeared at my side. "You can't do that" came back from many directions. It was hard to push against it this time since I was in an entirely new territory. I did not know what I could do or how to adapt to the things I couldn't do anymore. It took a lot of research and questions and a lot of small steps to make it further into this new world to look around. Even now after two years, even though I'm comfortable with trying new ways of doing things and figuring out how to adapt, it's hard when someone who doesn't know any thing about me and/or using a wheelchair tells me that I can't do something. It's even harder when it's someone that does know me, and my stubborn streak. The "I dare you!" is back, but that push down while I'm doing something that is much harder physically and/or mentally than ever before just makes me mad.
And so for anyone interested in telling me I can't do something or the nicer, but still patronizing, "are you sure you can do that?", I have decided to make a list of the things I can't do. I'm leaving it at that, I'm not even going to include the things I have had to adapt to or have adapted to me.
Are you ready? Here we go....
I can't climb a ladder.
That's it. I will admit that I don't like ladders anyway, so I haven't tried it.
The next time you feel the need to tell someone that they can't do something for whatever reason, please take a moment and think how that feels. And maybe offer to help, accompany, or volunteer to be a spotter rather than try to squash the idea/activity altogether. I'm also going to tell you a secret; I know you're concerned and I appreciate it (mostly), but it hurts more to feel that lack of faith than any mistake or misstep that may happen as I try to keep doing the things I have always done.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Improvement takes the lead!
Two years and one month ago, I adopted Saber. In the next couple weeks I found out how much my upper body sucked, how much the camber of each path affected my steering, how many inclines I have been blindly traveling on all my life. So what's the first thing I did? Signed up for a 5K, just one month after getting in a wheelchair... Dublin's Shamrock 5K, a run I had participated in for quite a few years. I knew the course, I knew the terrain, I knew the other participants were out there for a fun run. What could go wrong?
To say I struggled would be putting it lightly. As soon as the crowd started moving, I knew I was in trouble. I had started near the front with my friend, but made sure to stay off to the side so I wasn't in anyone's way.... and everyone passed me easily as I tried to get going. I fought to stay in the middle of the road so I was fighting the least amount of camber, but since that meant I was going the opposite of the tangents I probably added on some distance. And then came the inclines; I wasn't very good at those yet. The one on the street wasn't so bad, it just seemed to never end. The first one on the trail was horrible... luckily there was a very nice family with me when I realized I was in trouble. They saw me stop where I was and asked if they could help; when I asked them to just make sure I didn't backwards, the father and son grabbed onto the back of my chair and helped me the rest of the way up. I lost them on the downhill, but they were right there with me when we got to the next incline... not as bad as the other one, still a problem. They simply asked if they could help and grabbed onto my chair again as I thanked them. After that, all I had to do was keep pushing to the finish. I think it was my longest 5K, but I was rather proud of myself to have kept pushing.
Fast forward to this weekend... A friend had announced he was running the Shamrock 5K and asked if anyone else was coming. After running a different race last year, I had to admit I had missed this one, but my lack of funds made it hard to justify going. With some help and an extra push, I was able to sign up. I was worried about those inclines because I remembered them being so horrible, so when I went to the packet pick up, Saber and I headed over to the trail. As I came to the first one, it didn't look so bad and halfway up was when I realized the last time I had done it was just a month after I got my chair. Don't get me wrong, it was still hard.. just not nearly as hard. Two years ago I wouldn't have made it up on my own, this year it was no problem to head up completely alone on the trail. The second one was just fine as well.
Tsunami got to come this time, so I got up front (thanks to the friends I was with!) and was able to take off with all the fast runners... my first mile was pretty fast with my newly discovered speed. I was a bit unprepared for the first incline on the road; I haven't been on any long uphills since the coaching/seat adjustment, so when I lost momentum near the top, I could only muscle upwards so much. I called out for help when I wasn't moving anymore and someone helped me push the rest of the way up. Heading down and onto the trail, I tried to hold onto as much speed as possible, knowing the next incline would be pushing my abilities... I still hadn't taken my seat adjustment into account, so halfway up as my momentum went down I had to call out for help (help! help! help!) because my front wheel was coming up. One runner grabbed the front of the chair and two came up behind me, and they got me safely to the top. On the next incline I was doing okay, but someone that had helped me before was behind me and gave me a shove as he caught up to me, which got me to the top. I thanked him and headed down the trail. And again, I just had to make it into the finish. And I think this was my fastest 5K yet.. I didn't get a chip so I don't have an official time, but my Garmin read 22:12 and I think my fastest 5K was 23 or 24 minutes. Also, I start my Garmin at the ten second countdown and stop it maybe ten seconds after I cross the finish, so the time is probably closer to 21:52!!!
Despite needing to call out for help both times, this year marked a huuuuuuge improvement. Especially in testing those same inclines with Saber. In having the confidence to try it out on my own. And still heading straight into the inclines with Tsunami, despite not being prepared.
It is good to have these moments. An unchanged challenge that shows you how far you have made it in whatever amount of time. To prove to yourself that are stronger than you think. Next year, I'll make it up those inclines by myself.
Watch me!
Side note: a huge thank you to the race organizers, who made sure I felt welcome and were quick to figure a way to get Saber near the finish for me!
Picture by a nice, random person
To say I struggled would be putting it lightly. As soon as the crowd started moving, I knew I was in trouble. I had started near the front with my friend, but made sure to stay off to the side so I wasn't in anyone's way.... and everyone passed me easily as I tried to get going. I fought to stay in the middle of the road so I was fighting the least amount of camber, but since that meant I was going the opposite of the tangents I probably added on some distance. And then came the inclines; I wasn't very good at those yet. The one on the street wasn't so bad, it just seemed to never end. The first one on the trail was horrible... luckily there was a very nice family with me when I realized I was in trouble. They saw me stop where I was and asked if they could help; when I asked them to just make sure I didn't backwards, the father and son grabbed onto the back of my chair and helped me the rest of the way up. I lost them on the downhill, but they were right there with me when we got to the next incline... not as bad as the other one, still a problem. They simply asked if they could help and grabbed onto my chair again as I thanked them. After that, all I had to do was keep pushing to the finish. I think it was my longest 5K, but I was rather proud of myself to have kept pushing.
Fast forward to this weekend... A friend had announced he was running the Shamrock 5K and asked if anyone else was coming. After running a different race last year, I had to admit I had missed this one, but my lack of funds made it hard to justify going. With some help and an extra push, I was able to sign up. I was worried about those inclines because I remembered them being so horrible, so when I went to the packet pick up, Saber and I headed over to the trail. As I came to the first one, it didn't look so bad and halfway up was when I realized the last time I had done it was just a month after I got my chair. Don't get me wrong, it was still hard.. just not nearly as hard. Two years ago I wouldn't have made it up on my own, this year it was no problem to head up completely alone on the trail. The second one was just fine as well.
Picture by another crazy in our group ;)
Tsunami got to come this time, so I got up front (thanks to the friends I was with!) and was able to take off with all the fast runners... my first mile was pretty fast with my newly discovered speed. I was a bit unprepared for the first incline on the road; I haven't been on any long uphills since the coaching/seat adjustment, so when I lost momentum near the top, I could only muscle upwards so much. I called out for help when I wasn't moving anymore and someone helped me push the rest of the way up. Heading down and onto the trail, I tried to hold onto as much speed as possible, knowing the next incline would be pushing my abilities... I still hadn't taken my seat adjustment into account, so halfway up as my momentum went down I had to call out for help (help! help! help!) because my front wheel was coming up. One runner grabbed the front of the chair and two came up behind me, and they got me safely to the top. On the next incline I was doing okay, but someone that had helped me before was behind me and gave me a shove as he caught up to me, which got me to the top. I thanked him and headed down the trail. And again, I just had to make it into the finish. And I think this was my fastest 5K yet.. I didn't get a chip so I don't have an official time, but my Garmin read 22:12 and I think my fastest 5K was 23 or 24 minutes. Also, I start my Garmin at the ten second countdown and stop it maybe ten seconds after I cross the finish, so the time is probably closer to 21:52!!!
Despite needing to call out for help both times, this year marked a huuuuuuge improvement. Especially in testing those same inclines with Saber. In having the confidence to try it out on my own. And still heading straight into the inclines with Tsunami, despite not being prepared.
It is good to have these moments. An unchanged challenge that shows you how far you have made it in whatever amount of time. To prove to yourself that are stronger than you think. Next year, I'll make it up those inclines by myself.
Watch me!
Side note: a huge thank you to the race organizers, who made sure I felt welcome and were quick to figure a way to get Saber near the finish for me!
Friday, March 6, 2015
Try Something New!
As soon as I saw the announcement for a Paralympic Track & Field Clinic, hosted by BORP, I signed up as fast as I could. This event was BORP's toe-in-the-water effort to see if starting up their track & field program again would have interest.. according to the Paralympic coaches, this was the biggest event they've had so far. On my end, this would be a great opportunity for some hands on coaching; while I absolutely appreciate the advice I have been given (both in person and through emails and such) and the technique videos I have been sent, I am a kinesthetic learner. I was excited to have someone be able to look at what I am doing and show me how to improve (spoiler alert: I was not disappointed). This was also my first opportunity to test my curiosity about the field events.
Getting closer to this event, I was like a kid at Christmas. I trained so horribly last year due to physical and mental setbacks that I lost speed and found myself on that backwards plateau, so I was losing confidence again. And, in turn, maybe even losing some interest. There is no way I would give up Tsunami, so I was looking forward to bringing the joy back rather than settling with the struggle I have been in.
I have been to a few of these kinds of clinics now, but it's still exciting to show up and see so many others in wheelchairs.. and at this one, there were all types of prosthetics as well. I got myself signed in and headed off to the side to wait for things to start. Got to talk to a couple people I know from other clinics and/or training, and met some new people. One woman came over to talk to me, asked questions about Tsunami and sports in general; she was curious about the whole thing, but had volunteered rather than signed up.. her own toe-in-the-water. I told her I had been in the chair for about two years, then started listing all the sports/activities I have at least tried so far. Through her surprise, I told her to just jump in. "Give it a try. At the very least, you have a new experience."
After introducing all the coaches and giving us the basics on what we would be doing, they split us into three groups and sent us to different areas. I was starting on the field, so I dropped Tsunami off at the track as I headed over. We learned shotput, which was a lot more technical than I thought it would be. As the heaviest field implement, there are phases you go through in what looks like simply throwing a heavy ball. We learned each step, one at a time. The coach was quick to tell me I had the strength, and had advice on technique for each throw. By the end, there were a couple doing really great. I was not one of them, but I had definitely improved through my throws. We moved to the discus after that, the middle weight implement, and took out all those phases, and extra flicks of the wrist, and power... basically you're turning your arm into a slingshot and getting into the right position to let the discus do its thing. I actually did pretty good with this one, I just had a problem getting my hand flat before letting it fly. We had run out of time, but the coach squeezed in a quick overview of the javelin before we headed over to the track.
On the track, I found Tsunami and got in as others tried to find a chair they could try. The coach came over and looked at the positioning of my hands and decided I wasn't getting as far back as I needed to, so she started undoing all the velcro across my back, had me scoot back a bit, and tightened the straps back up. It was that simple to make the final seat adjustment I hadn't been able to figure out. Satisfied with that, she and the racer did a quick presentation on stroke and racing on the track. She sent me out with the racer while she got others into chairs. As we moved around the track, he asked what distances I had been doing and for how long.. he also told me I had a good, strong push and showed me how to make it a bit better. When we made it around, the coach put me in some different gloves and sent me around again, then put me up on the rack so she could closely see my stroke and physically change it; I need to straighten my hand so it's parallel to the rim (I keep rolling to the outside), utilize the extra push I now have at the end, and get those arms up behind me (with my hand still straight!). She also gave me a couple drills I can do on my own to train myself. With just those changes, I could feel a huge difference already. And it was a lot of fun to see the guys trying out the racing chairs for the first time and really having fun with it.. sounds like I might have some more local company soon!
After this rotation, they gathered everyone for a group picture.. during which it started to sprinkle a bit (we had the threat of rain pretty much all day), but it didn't really get serious, so anyone who hadn't gotten lunch yet headed over to the tables. It was a bit later when I was talking to one of the volunteers I had met at the Adaptive Sports Fest that rain really started coming down. As everyone scrambled to get the racers or themselves out of the rain, I grabbed Tsunami and headed for my car. With everything put away, everyone gathered under something protective; I ended up under the arch with a friend I met through the volleyball training and got to talk to him a bit. And with everything put away, the flash rain stopped and we were at a bit of a loss as to what to do. The track was done for the day, so whoever was left seemed to end up on the field. We were watching the current group learn when the coach began inviting anyone who wanted to join. I hung back because I wanted others to have a chance, but she pulled me up... I even ended up sitting right next to that woman I had met earlier, the one I had told to just jump in! After the shotput, we had to get a bit creative for the discus because of needing extra space to swing our arms around. There was an extra coach now, so we were split into two groups after the head coach went over the fundamentals. And this time we got to try the javelin; my new friend that had jumped in was now excited to try things and ended up doing pretty good with the javelin.. I need to learn more finesse, less force of strength.
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They did a final thank you then told us to pick up a paralympic shirt and BORP bag... and the coach running things had an extra present if we went to see her. I got my presents, then went around to thank the man from BORP that set up the event, the field coach (who asked what I thought about the field events, I told her if BORP started up the program, I was in), and the track coach (she gave me a couple more presents and her card; she said if I was interested, they may bring me up to Spokane for some events, and also made herself available for any questions I may have).
At the end of the day, I had a lot more confidence in my training, more new friends, and new sports if the facilities become available. It was a really great day and I am so glad I went. I am also glad that my affinity for just jumping in and trying things inspired someone to do the same.
And now to finish off my spoiler alert from way back at the beginning; I went for a 5 mile run a few days later and maintained a 7 minute mile for most of it. My first mile was pretty slow just to get going, when my next mile beeped I was surprised to see 7:17, and I mostly held onto that. There was one mile that was closer to 8 minutes (it was also into a breeze), but the bottom line is I have not gone that fast without a downhill in about a year, and never in training. I have done a 7 minute mile in training, but only one at a time, so it was a bit of a surprise to keep seeing that 7 whenever my Garmin beeped off miles.
Getting closer to this event, I was like a kid at Christmas. I trained so horribly last year due to physical and mental setbacks that I lost speed and found myself on that backwards plateau, so I was losing confidence again. And, in turn, maybe even losing some interest. There is no way I would give up Tsunami, so I was looking forward to bringing the joy back rather than settling with the struggle I have been in.
I have been to a few of these kinds of clinics now, but it's still exciting to show up and see so many others in wheelchairs.. and at this one, there were all types of prosthetics as well. I got myself signed in and headed off to the side to wait for things to start. Got to talk to a couple people I know from other clinics and/or training, and met some new people. One woman came over to talk to me, asked questions about Tsunami and sports in general; she was curious about the whole thing, but had volunteered rather than signed up.. her own toe-in-the-water. I told her I had been in the chair for about two years, then started listing all the sports/activities I have at least tried so far. Through her surprise, I told her to just jump in. "Give it a try. At the very least, you have a new experience."
After introducing all the coaches and giving us the basics on what we would be doing, they split us into three groups and sent us to different areas. I was starting on the field, so I dropped Tsunami off at the track as I headed over. We learned shotput, which was a lot more technical than I thought it would be. As the heaviest field implement, there are phases you go through in what looks like simply throwing a heavy ball. We learned each step, one at a time. The coach was quick to tell me I had the strength, and had advice on technique for each throw. By the end, there were a couple doing really great. I was not one of them, but I had definitely improved through my throws. We moved to the discus after that, the middle weight implement, and took out all those phases, and extra flicks of the wrist, and power... basically you're turning your arm into a slingshot and getting into the right position to let the discus do its thing. I actually did pretty good with this one, I just had a problem getting my hand flat before letting it fly. We had run out of time, but the coach squeezed in a quick overview of the javelin before we headed over to the track.
On the track, I found Tsunami and got in as others tried to find a chair they could try. The coach came over and looked at the positioning of my hands and decided I wasn't getting as far back as I needed to, so she started undoing all the velcro across my back, had me scoot back a bit, and tightened the straps back up. It was that simple to make the final seat adjustment I hadn't been able to figure out. Satisfied with that, she and the racer did a quick presentation on stroke and racing on the track. She sent me out with the racer while she got others into chairs. As we moved around the track, he asked what distances I had been doing and for how long.. he also told me I had a good, strong push and showed me how to make it a bit better. When we made it around, the coach put me in some different gloves and sent me around again, then put me up on the rack so she could closely see my stroke and physically change it; I need to straighten my hand so it's parallel to the rim (I keep rolling to the outside), utilize the extra push I now have at the end, and get those arms up behind me (with my hand still straight!). She also gave me a couple drills I can do on my own to train myself. With just those changes, I could feel a huge difference already. And it was a lot of fun to see the guys trying out the racing chairs for the first time and really having fun with it.. sounds like I might have some more local company soon!
After this rotation, they gathered everyone for a group picture.. during which it started to sprinkle a bit (we had the threat of rain pretty much all day), but it didn't really get serious, so anyone who hadn't gotten lunch yet headed over to the tables. It was a bit later when I was talking to one of the volunteers I had met at the Adaptive Sports Fest that rain really started coming down. As everyone scrambled to get the racers or themselves out of the rain, I grabbed Tsunami and headed for my car. With everything put away, everyone gathered under something protective; I ended up under the arch with a friend I met through the volleyball training and got to talk to him a bit. And with everything put away, the flash rain stopped and we were at a bit of a loss as to what to do. The track was done for the day, so whoever was left seemed to end up on the field. We were watching the current group learn when the coach began inviting anyone who wanted to join. I hung back because I wanted others to have a chance, but she pulled me up... I even ended up sitting right next to that woman I had met earlier, the one I had told to just jump in! After the shotput, we had to get a bit creative for the discus because of needing extra space to swing our arms around. There was an extra coach now, so we were split into two groups after the head coach went over the fundamentals. And this time we got to try the javelin; my new friend that had jumped in was now excited to try things and ended up doing pretty good with the javelin.. I need to learn more finesse, less force of strength.
They did a final thank you then told us to pick up a paralympic shirt and BORP bag... and the coach running things had an extra present if we went to see her. I got my presents, then went around to thank the man from BORP that set up the event, the field coach (who asked what I thought about the field events, I told her if BORP started up the program, I was in), and the track coach (she gave me a couple more presents and her card; she said if I was interested, they may bring me up to Spokane for some events, and also made herself available for any questions I may have).
At the end of the day, I had a lot more confidence in my training, more new friends, and new sports if the facilities become available. It was a really great day and I am so glad I went. I am also glad that my affinity for just jumping in and trying things inspired someone to do the same.
And now to finish off my spoiler alert from way back at the beginning; I went for a 5 mile run a few days later and maintained a 7 minute mile for most of it. My first mile was pretty slow just to get going, when my next mile beeped I was surprised to see 7:17, and I mostly held onto that. There was one mile that was closer to 8 minutes (it was also into a breeze), but the bottom line is I have not gone that fast without a downhill in about a year, and never in training. I have done a 7 minute mile in training, but only one at a time, so it was a bit of a surprise to keep seeing that 7 whenever my Garmin beeped off miles.
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