Obviously, I have these thoughts. They run past each time I look at one of those photos, sometimes so fast it doesn't even quite register until the thought is already gone.
But do I feel sad? No.
Do I miss those times? Yes... and no..
Would I go back if I could? Probably not.
Something else that runs through my mind is noting the inhaler in my hands (or knowing it's tucked into a pocket or my bra) or the massive knee brace on my leg. Remembering the immeasurable pain every time I went past a 10K. Taking years to find the right shoes to help me run comfortably (then being able to run in them for only 2 years). The hopelessness every time I hit multiple walls during each race.
I also see the joy of just being out on various courses, the extreme pride of finishing races I shouldn't have been able to start, the perseverance of pushing past everything I wrote above, the strength I found and use every day now.
I don't feel sad because I'm still out there and moving forward.
While I miss just heading out the door for a run, I don't miss the pain I was in after.
And I'll be honest, if I could go back to an exact time of my choosing and have the promise that my body wouldn't rebel against me again, I'd think about it, but otherwise I think I've evolved as I should have.. extra devices and all.
Most of all, I wouldn't go back because the photos of then and now have one very important thing in common; my smile is the same. I may not levitate anymore, climb hills, squish through mud (voluntarily), or have a crazy mohawk.. but that joyous smile cannot be denied. I'm still active. I'm still heading out for adventures. I still have my running community cheering me on. I have no reason to wish I could run the way I used to. Besides, I wouldn't trade in the new experiences I've had or the new friends I've made the last few years for anything.
