I had rough week. It all started with a disappointing day... suddenly, things that should have been easy to take, to do, to finish became too hard. Those little disappointments that are usually easy to brush off and/or replan just piled up all at once. Why? I'd just had another doctor tell me another promising diagnosis was wrong and that little gravedigger in my head had already started working on the hole.
I met my new pain management doctor on Tuesday and after many questions and a long examination, he said I do not have CRPS. Which isn't exactly disappointing, but I was just starting to accept it. He proclaimed me a bit too complicated in general, but also explained that I was not presenting properly for CRPS. He didn't completely knock me back to the start; he did say it's likely nerve pain caused by an overreaction from my body, so technically still under the same umbrella. We were both also overjoyed to begin with supplements rather than prescriptions.... although in the back of my head, I am willing at least one to work because our next step is likely nerve blocks since I've had adverse side effects to nerve pain meds in the past.
One thing I couldn't figure out this week is why it hit me so hard this time and I figured it out while I was not sleeping last night. I've been going to a lot of appointments so far this year and I think it's been piling up. My primary has been disappointing me for the last six months, but my allergist has made progress (found out I'm allergic to the world, we're working on meds, aaaand she's working on my breathing problems.. so far, new inhaler works and breathing exercises for vocal cord dysfunction is helping!), and I met my new neurologist (he's a lovely man and I feel like he wants to help, but he didn't really come up with any new ideas at my appointment), plus I dislocated my hip again last week (not nearly as bad this time, it went right back in and my chiropractor got a hold of it pretty fast afterwards). Just one more backward step was too much to handle this time.
So that's why I haven't been talking all week.. it was a medically induced tantrum. Thank you to everyone that has been patient with me not wanting to talk, sent virtual hugs, or simply acknowledged that I was having a rough week.
This next part is simply educational. Read on if you'd like to learn more about depression from my point of view.
I battle depression every day. If you break it down to numbers, I win most days.... but when I don't win, it's hard to get that momentum back. It's hard because depression can make you feel lonely even when you're surrounded. It can make you feel unseen, which hurts even when you want nothing more than to be invisible. It makes you feel misunderstood because you can never fully understand, even if you've been through it. Most of all, it makes you feel unlovable. And that one is complicated because depression is going to put the blame on you for even the smallest things that happen, makes you wonder why anyone could care about you, convinces you that you're a burden and that's why you're sitting alone in a dark room. And it becomes a vicious circle.
So what can you do to help? Go back up to my thank you list. Everyone that has offered support this week has helped; even a like or heart on my posts made me smile, the comments cheering me on when I went outside, the texts and calls to check on me, the virtual hugs, those that were simply sorry that I had a rough day, and those that reminded me to do something just for me each day. You probably all made me cry a bit more, but you also made me smile, giving me the weapons to continue the battle.. and soon, I should have the high ground again!
