We all evolve and change. We learn something new with each step we take and each person we meet... from fleeting moments to lifelong memories. It's inevitable.
Ten years ago, in a moment of kicking and screaming change, I requested an inspiring words list from my friends (that one is at the bottom of the page). Last month, I did it again. I realized I was resisting yet another change of this year... and I still kind of am. However, I just looked at that list again and I'm actually pretty proud of how my friends see me. And it helps.
Ending this year, I find myself starting over again. And it's fucking frustrating. Again. I'm learning a new diagnosis and how to control it.. and how I react to it. While I temporarily made progress with walking, I'm back in my wheelchair with a leg that doesn't work; on top of rebuilding the muscle I lost while getting that new diagnosis and the subsequent recovery. My stomach keeps shutting off. Migraines are stupid. Aaaaand all of that is wreaking havoc on my mental and emotional health.
Fortunately, my stubborn and determined is strong, and currently getting stronger. My rebellion and defiance might be sneaking out as well, it happens when my limits feel too crushing. Or I get too many of those "feel sorry" stares. Or too many things change at once and I can't keep up. Or my frustrations affect others. Or I'm just tired of all the bullshit. Right now, it's all of it.
And so once again I have to take a moment to simply sit down and let the waves wash over me, let go of everything so that I can find myself in the chaos. What parts of me survived the seizures, how to heal enough to get walking again, to regain the energy I need to rise again and fight, to be emotionally ready to ask for and accept help (I currently need and appreciate and love the help I have, but it's also hard because it is needed). Most of all, taking the time to learn my new brand of chaos makes it easier to just be.
