I don't want to!

I have absolutely no desire to sign up for an event. I don't want to have a goal or a training schedule. I don't want to have that special date looming closer and closer, but also so far away. I don't want to get stronger, better, faster for the sake of earning a great new time at an event.

There. I said it out loud.

No, I don't have any events coming up (well, I have some small ones...). No, I'm not going to register for whatever race is about to open. No, I don't care how fast I am right now. No, I'm not sure I can even make it through a half marathon.

Do you want to know why? Because it's not fun anymore. Hasn't been in the last two years, and I've driven the fun into the ground in trying to grasp onto it hoping it would somehow come back.

I used to run until it wasn't fun anymore, then I'd turn around and go back to the car. Same with hiking and biking. When I went into the chair, there was pure joy in my newfound speed and just being able to keep moving.... but then there was that marathon I signed up for. Which was good and bad for me; good in that it was good to see the things I could still do, but bad in that it was too much, too soon. I pushed to be ready for it and I succeeded. Well, I finished and felt okay. My next half marathon was a bit of a struggle, but I convinced myself I just needed to finish healing... and the next one wasn't much better.

My world had imploded in the few months around that marathon, so when my training schedule was over, I simply kept going because it was the only thing I had that was still familiar. I needed it so much, I signed up for many events, including going back to that marathon. I thought I just needed that goal again and to get focused. I lost a year chasing after that elusive carrot...

Races weren't fun and training became a chore.... except with the right company, of course ;) And it took so long to accept that (like three days ago). I had been having fun trying out new sports, so last year began my triathlon adventure. I enjoyed the new challenge, I took the training at a more realistic pace, and even though I flagged right at the end (and a bit during the race), I had a great time and a great experience. I took a break after that. Been on that break for three months now; some of that being imposed by my doctor.

Last week began a rebellion though. I had already decided to take a step back to build a better foundation of strength because of the struggle I have had during races. Now, I've decided to take a break from needing a training schedule; meaning I'm only signing up for races I'm already prepared for (so probably 5Ks and 10Ks for now) and doing more cheering for friends. And I'm going to keep doing a variety of sports and trying new ones... in the last week, my "training" has been walking with my crutches, sitting volleyball (don't tell my doctor!), cycling, archery, and swimming. And nothing gets written down until I'm done.

For the first time since I got active 11 years ago, I'm moving because it's something I love to do. I wake up each morning and pick an activity rather than check a schedule. I decide how far or how long I go after I have already started. And there's already something very freeing about this.

While I hope the desire for a big event will come back, I will be happy to skip them for a while in favor of getting stronger and having some fun. To take some time to improve on skills without the pressure of proving how much better I may have gotten. To skip all talk of PRs and going farther than before. To remember why I love heading out onto that trail, or up that mountain, or onto that court, or into that water. To prove to myself that the 24 year old kid I was had a great point;

"I finished. I win!"

(this was after the finish of my first half marathon in 2005... the one I wasn't supposed to be able to start or finish, but ended up starting this whole "being active" adventure!)