This Is Going To Be Fun...

About once a day I have one of those shoulder sagging moments where everything that has happened in the last few months just settles on me all at the same time and that sense of loss that usually sleeps deep inside my soul comes roaring to the surface. Sometimes it's deafening, it makes it hard to think for however long that moment lasts. Sometimes it's just loud enough to hear, making itself known, making sure I remember it's there. Most of the time it's somewhere in between, the pain of it dulling a little more each day. I've learned to just ride through whichever wave comes through... As a wise friend told me at the beginning of this, I am mourning a loss and I need to let myself mourn. Whether I like it or not.

I have had some experiences during this end-of-the-year break that have made quite a difference;
  I have gotten some more bike rides in (on some hills, even!) and, while I'm still not getting as far as I'm used to and hills are still a problem, it has been quite encouraging. I'm not sure what I'll be able to do in the long run, but at least I know I can keep trying, as I always have.
  I got to talk to a wheelchair-on-the-trails expert and got a lot of great advice.. and encouraging words reassuring me that I'm not crazy (or as crazy as others think) to still want to be able to do everything I've been doing, just in a modified form.
  Aaaaaand I finally got to try out some sport wheelchairs!! The racing wheelchair is going to take some time to learn and the basketball wheelchair was fun to zip around in. I've been hobbling along with the brace and/or cane, not nearly as quickly as I'm used to, and anyone that has tried to push themselves in a standard wheelchair can tell you how much that suuuuucks, so it was nice to just move. The guy showing me the wheelchairs asked me what I thought about them.. I gave him my grin I'm sure most of you are familiar with and told him "I think this is going to be fun."

So that is what I'm going into the new year with. I don't make new year's resolutions, but I do have hopes for the new year; this year's hope will be to have some fun with all these new experiences I'm going to have, to keep getting back up when I fall, and to be better at thanking everyone who offers me a hand up when I need some help..... I'll start that one now, thank you all for cheering me on, for telling me I can do this, for supporting me, and most of all, for making me feel unconditionally loved. I also hope you all have a wonderful year full of love and new experiences!

Inspiring words list. Go.

After the appointment where I was told I could no longer run, I cried in the car for a few miles. I've been expecting this for years and it has almost happened a couple times before, but this time I just knew I was done.. still, it hit me pretty hard. Another mile, I pulled over and posted to Facebook simply, "Inspiring words list. Go." I then called in sick for two days and escaped to just stop and wrap my head around this new hurdle. The same evening as the post (probably only a few hours later), I already had a list of 16 words. By the next morning, I had all that you see in this picture, which I posted with the following statement;

  "Once again you guys came through for me when I needed it the most, without even knowing why... And I'll never be able to say how grateful I am to have met you. I had asked for the list of inspiring words yesterday because I had just been told I can no longer run. Although I had been expecting it for years it hit me kind of hard. So I came up with this little guy... as you can see, there is room for more words if you have them so, like me, he is a work in progress and will continue to grow.
(I can still walk and was given the okay to make the DisneyWorld Half in January my last half... on foot...... watch out for a future wheelchair racing fundraiser ;) )"

After which I received more words. He's pretty covered now, but I still carry my pens with me. Just in case. 

I'd like to send out another thank you to everyone that has been supporting me and cheering me on.

Start... or End? Maybe New Beginning

This blog is about the start of a new adventure, which comes at the end of an 18 year journey. From when I was 13 to now, at 31 (there's a symmetry to that, I suppose), I have battled a bad knee.

I just lost that battle.

I don't mean that in a negative way...... Who am I kidding? There's still negativity in that statement. I'm working on that, it's probably going to take some time and more tears, but back to the positive... After all these years of surgeries, prescriptions, doctor's offices, physical therapy, x-rays, and whatever else I've been dragged through, it is actually a bit of a relief to finally be told that there's nothing else to do until it degrades enough to be replaced. Although there IS a complication. When my knee finally went out I didn't know it because the knee pain is background noise at this point and, in the end, it took out my ankle and hip in order to get my attention. So now I have a bad leg.

Which brings on the new adventure!

In 2005, a year after my last surgery, I started half marathon training and eventually became active in general. A month ago I was told I can't run. A few weeks ago, I discovered I need my knee brace to walk for more than 15 minutes. Last week, I confirmed that I also need the brace to ride my bike longer than 8 miles. The list will probably continue to grow as I get active again, but back to the running... I'm a trail runner, I enjoy hiking, I like doing half marathons. My solution?

Wheelchair.

That's my new start, my new adventure. For now, I just want to get moving and do some 5Ks. By the fall, I hope to do my first half marathon in a racing chair.