This Is Going To Be Fun...

About once a day I have one of those shoulder sagging moments where everything that has happened in the last few months just settles on me all at the same time and that sense of loss that usually sleeps deep inside my soul comes roaring to the surface. Sometimes it's deafening, it makes it hard to think for however long that moment lasts. Sometimes it's just loud enough to hear, making itself known, making sure I remember it's there. Most of the time it's somewhere in between, the pain of it dulling a little more each day. I've learned to just ride through whichever wave comes through... As a wise friend told me at the beginning of this, I am mourning a loss and I need to let myself mourn. Whether I like it or not.

I have had some experiences during this end-of-the-year break that have made quite a difference;
  I have gotten some more bike rides in (on some hills, even!) and, while I'm still not getting as far as I'm used to and hills are still a problem, it has been quite encouraging. I'm not sure what I'll be able to do in the long run, but at least I know I can keep trying, as I always have.
  I got to talk to a wheelchair-on-the-trails expert and got a lot of great advice.. and encouraging words reassuring me that I'm not crazy (or as crazy as others think) to still want to be able to do everything I've been doing, just in a modified form.
  Aaaaaand I finally got to try out some sport wheelchairs!! The racing wheelchair is going to take some time to learn and the basketball wheelchair was fun to zip around in. I've been hobbling along with the brace and/or cane, not nearly as quickly as I'm used to, and anyone that has tried to push themselves in a standard wheelchair can tell you how much that suuuuucks, so it was nice to just move. The guy showing me the wheelchairs asked me what I thought about them.. I gave him my grin I'm sure most of you are familiar with and told him "I think this is going to be fun."

So that is what I'm going into the new year with. I don't make new year's resolutions, but I do have hopes for the new year; this year's hope will be to have some fun with all these new experiences I'm going to have, to keep getting back up when I fall, and to be better at thanking everyone who offers me a hand up when I need some help..... I'll start that one now, thank you all for cheering me on, for telling me I can do this, for supporting me, and most of all, for making me feel unconditionally loved. I also hope you all have a wonderful year full of love and new experiences!