The Magical Brain

Yesterday, due to a lack of sleep, my usual brain settings were set to Essential Functions Only.... that means the extra energy that usually goes to pain control was diverted to help with things like breathing, and staying upright, and stringing semi-coherent sentences together (that last one is harder than it sounds).

What all that means is for the first time since the initial fall of my legs 4 and a half months ago and for the first time with them settled into how they just are, I felt the full force of the pain they cause. The weakness with each step. The way each muscle is affected by every movement. The unsteady feel of each joint. I got to feel exactly what my brain hides from me on a regular basis.

It was overwhelming to learn what I really am going through. Usually I hate to be protected or coddled, but in this case, I'm grateful. The brain is an amazing thing... I'm glad that way back my teenage brain rewired itself to be able to file away the chronic pain. While I wish it would have installed an overload switch so my knee wouldn't have had to take out the rest of my leg to get attention, I'll take what I can get.

In the midst of all this, I suddenly understood the look a lot of people get around me. That look that says they really want to help, but are resisting because I didn't ask and they know I'm strong enough (or stubborn enough) to do it on my own. That look that shows up every time I take more than one try to stand up, limp more than usual, express any kind of pain, or when a joint pops or snaps loud enough for them to hear. I even sent some texts out, thanking those that get that look the most.... and with how pathetic I was feeling, even wondered how they manage to let me do anything on my own.

Today, with sleep, that delicate balance is shifting back and I'm starting to feel strong enough again (it was all stubborn enough yesterday). It'll take a few days to get back to my normal because that particular hell is not something to be forgotten quickly.