A Work In Progress....

In this blog, I have been more open than I ever have been, and now I'm going to take it a step farther... I'm going to share some personal things (albeit watered down as compared to what I just shared with a select few people) and admit some things that I have been hiding.. or pushing down so far, I failed to admit it to even myself. If you just don't want to know that much about me, feel free to skip this post.


First off, you all terrify me in ways that just aren't normal.. of course, who has ever claimed that I'm normal? I was raised to be very independent, to pick myself up and move on, to ride through the storm, so to speak. Along with that, I was too shy to express my opinion and at some point didn't even know I could have one. Feelings and emotions were not expressed in my family, so I actually felt discouraged to even try. I made my first real friend when I was 8, another when I was 9.. knowingly or not, they taught me what a friend really was. And due to some people taking advantage of me at a young age, I have serious trust issues. How does this make you terrifying? Merely by worrying about me, by offering help, by asking how I'm doing.... by encouraging me to be this person I have been learning how to be since I finally recognized how closed off I was when I became an adult.

(Don't get me wrong, keep being you! I hope to one day not be so afraid..)

Despite the strides I've made to find a middle ground of embracing my independence and being able to pick myself up, but also being able to express whatever is on my mind and to ask for and accept help, there is still a big piece that I haven't been very good at. I still internalize too much, sometimes to the point that I hide from even myself. This is where I'm at right now.. my brain has been in this fog since November when I was told my leg was done. I'm in this internal fight where the automatic side and the learned side are trying to take over rather than work together. And yes, I'm aware that I have seemed okay for most of this time.. unfortunately I'm really good at hiding, but because of a bit of a meltdown a couple days ago, I'm revealing all in an effort to break this cycle.


   -My leg, from my hip to just below my knee, hurts all. the. time. The knee pain used to be background noise that I could just ignore. While I know I'm ignoring a large percentage of the pain still, it's not just in the background anymore.. I'm having more bad days with it than okay days, and hardly any good days at all. And sometimes the pain likes to shoot up my back and/or down to my ankle. I am going back to the doctor in July (first appointment they had).
   -On the heels of that, I'm scared. The knee replacement has become more of a viable threat. It's not a "sometime in the future" anymore, it's sometime soon and it terrifies me for reasons I'm not even sure of. I'm afraid of the wheelchairs.. I enjoy them, they make my life easier, and I seem to be really good with them, but I'm afraid of relying on them to the point that I'll be "confined" to them. On the other side of that coin, I'm constantly worrying if I'm training correctly or efficiently.... In an effort of full disclosure, I found a racing mentor last week and he's already been a great help in that.
   -I overthink things to the point that I become afraid to act (this is where I am now)... I've lost trust in myself and can't decide wether or not to say something because I don't know if it's right, so mostly I choose to say nothing.
   -I haven't worked on my own art in over a month, I've had a few projects staring at me to be finished and more waiting to get past the starting point. As some of you saw, I did finally finish one.. and it felt really good!
   -I need to be home more to be able to settle (working on that one now). And I need to take more quick trips away for a reset, luckily a lot of those are coming up fast.

If there's something else I've done recently that worries you or you want to know more, please ask me about it... and be sure to get a real answer rather than a vague one. And, as always, thank you for caring about me as you all do!