Repercussions

The mind is a powerful thing.

The mind is also weak.

Two lessons I learned this week. Lessons that came out of pure frustrations. I went home early from work one day this week because immense stress had left me with far too many physical and emotional reactions.... it's definitely time to call it a day when you burst into tears while designing a cookie box. Once home, I took a friend's helpful suggestion wrong, but rather than reacting (luckily I had already admitted to myself that I was highly emotional) I decided to go for a run. Figured it would help the stress as well...

Not so much.

You see, ever since I fell during the marathon, I've been afraid to fall again. I've had some bad run ins with hills, some panicky moments, but I kept telling myself I needed to fully recover from Dopey. Get my strength back. So for my run, I went to a trail that I frequent quite a bit, one I know I can do... but when I had to turn around for the third time, I got mad. At myself, at Tsunami, at the trail, and finally, at my brother (but more on that one later). I had gotten myself stuck between two inclines that I couldn't get up and ended up charging at one of them. I wasn't ready for it and ended up rolling backwards, desperately trying to stop without flipping. As Tsunami finally stilled, halfway off the trail and no longer pointing in any useful direction, I had found my answer; I was too afraid to fall and wasn't reacting like I usually do in this kind of situation.

Growing up, my brother constantly pushed me, mentally and physically. He's the only person I truly fought with, so much that it actually became a game between us. I'll never know if he did these things on purpose, but he taught me to stand up for myself, made me see that I had the will and determination to keep getting back up, and pointed out that I was too stubborn to give up.

So as I sat cockeyed halfway off the trail, I realized he had taken some of that fight with him, or at least an essential part, and I hadn't realized it. If I had fallen before, I would have been out as soon as possible attacking hills.. going balls to the wall trying to figure out how to do it right. I didn't fight; instead I let the fear settle in. I decided that was unacceptable.

I tasted a little bit of that fight when I went back the way I came and made it up that incline. A little bit more when I finally stood up for myself at work and demanded my supervisor to listen for once, then called my brother an asshole for making my iPod play a song I couldn't possibly stay mad during. And today, I made it halfway up a hill that was a bit too much for me and became a bit more comfortable lifting my front wheel to turn around. It's going to be small steps to get back where I was, both in the chair and in my personality, but at least I'm moving forward. At least I feel that determination seeping back in. Most of all, I welcome that familiar will that makes me always stand up just one more time than I fall.