Left Behind

Fair warning: this may feel like a therapy session.

I am in a constant state of feeling like I'm getting left behind. By friends, by family, by the world in general. Sometimes that feeling increases. Like now.... it always increases when there has been a change.

I don't have a great track record. Something changes with me, with others, with life, someone disappears from my world..

Growing up, I had a "friend" that would leave me as soon as someone better came along and she felt I didn't fit in (she felt I didn't fit in quite a bit). In high school, I had some friends proclaim we wouldn't be friends anymore after we graduated because "it just happens that way".... I am still friends with many people from high school, it's not the same relationships, but they are still there; some I've even found more in common with since graduating. While I decided to figure out who I was under the people pleaser I had become and I shook up my entire world, friends faded quickly and my family was hit or miss as to wether or not they supported me. As I settled and became confident in who I was, I lost even more... but I am happy to say I also made some really great connections.

Then my leg gave up. My brother died. My world continues to shift on its foundations...

And I'm at a point where I feel left out. A lot of it is because of my own moments of missing the things I used to be able to do, things that didn't cross over the same in the wheelchair or with just one leg. It's upsetting to read about events I could have done just a couple years ago, but now I'm looking at pictures of groups of friends that still can. While I have found new ways to do things, it's my life, it's how I have adapted. It's unfair to expect everyone to adapt to me, but I still want to be in that group setting. And I miss it.

I also feel like some people are pulling away, or agreeing to spend some time then never scheduling... and I still have that people pleaser deep down; they don't want to be slowed down, they don't want to have to help you whenever your wheels get stuck, they don't want to lead you through a crowd, they don't want to do just things that don't cost anything (or much) just because you don't have a job.. and the list of reasons I shouldn't expect an invite goes on. And on. But I also have a list of why I'm not much different from before except for the addition of wheels.... So the conflict continues.

Or the two sides cancel each other out and that's why I can't shake the feeling of being left behind.

I'm writing this merely because I need to get it out in the open, so that I don't withdraw... well, withdraw more. I know I've been a bit quieter lately.

My lesson for the day, just in case there has been something that shifted (although I'm pretty sure it's mostly been in my own head); it never hurts to ask. Answering questions feels better than sitting here wondering why I'm mostly going out on my own.