I needed to climb something, so I went to Rock City at Mount Diablo. I had only been there once before; my rabbit friend took me after my MRI almost two years ago didn't reveal anything and my doctor had cleared me to try running with a brace. It was a celebration. It was a great day.. I got to climb many rocks, including the Sentinel at the end of the trail.
This was not a celebration. This was time to think. This was a moment to myself. This was a challenge. I had something to prove.
A nice Sunday meant there were families and groups there as well, but fortunately most didn't go the whole way out to the end.. although they had no problem staring at me as I continued on with my crutches. I climbed up and over rocks all the way out, but didn't stop to climb others to the side of the trail just yet. I had a goal first. When I got to the base of the Sentinel, I had to sit down for a while, which worked out well because there were some teenage boys up on top and I had arrived with a family, and I was happy to let them go first. By the time I felt able to head up, both groups were gone.
The Sentinel has stairs (kind of) and a cable "rail" to help you climb and make sure you don't fall off the side. At some point, I had decided it was easier/safer to let my crutches hang from my arms while I held onto the cable and the side of the rock. As I stepped up onto the top (and found a place to sit), I was quite proud of myself. This was why I was on my own, to prove that I could do this without someone cheering me on or promising to catch me if needed... without the safety net, so to speak.
I got comfortable and sat up there for quite some time, enjoying the view all around me, thinking about the things I needed to think about. When I felt a bit more peaceful, I headed down, but stopped about halfway down to sit on a bit of a ledge that you can climb to from the stairs. After enjoying the different view for a bit, I headed the rest of the way down and started the climb back to the trailhead, but explored some offshoots and climbed some new rocks on the way.
After getting stared at through the first part of the trail again, I sat in my car and ate some lunch before heading to another trail. Artists' Point (another gift from the Rabbit). I figured it would be much quieter over there, and I can't pass up this view...
I sat inside this rock for a few hours and stared at the view while I figured some things out. Number one being my hatred of the limbo that I have been living in.
Walk?
Wheelchair?
Crutches?
I cannot keep living with so many choices. I decided the most hated of those choices is my crutches. If I had the choice to just choose, they would be at the bottom of the list... I know this sounds strange, but I hate not having my hands free. Using the crutches means my legs don't quite work, but I'm also compromising my arms. It makes me feel like I can be less independent that way. So the crutches have been crossed off the list. I pulled my cane back out. It forces me walk as close to normal as I can, but still lends some support. and I feel less dependent when I use it.
This all means that when it comes down to it, I will either be able to walk or I will make the transition into the wheelchair. Most likely, unless the doctors or my body does something drastic, it will continue on as is; I will be able to walk with my horrible limp, but still need the wheelchair for longer distances or times. It's easier to accept with the cane instead of the crutches. It's easier to move forward. It helps to believe that this limbo isn't so all-encompassing as before. It's a situation I can accept if the doctors say they can help with some of the pain, but not fix me entirely.
It's a jump forward. After so many baby steps forward and back, it feels good to make the leap.
Although all those weakened muscles kind of hated me for a few days after the hike.... Pansies.
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