My nerves are good!

Back in October, I went to the neurologist:
Doctor Update: Saw the Neurologist last week... she wasn't very nice (very to the point and refused to smile), but she was thorough. After an hour and a half of questions and an examination, she very adamantly stated my problem probably isn't neurological. I have an EMG scheduled in December to confirm. Still waiting on a rheumatology appointment. Aaaaaand after giving seven vials of blood for tests a week and a half ago, turns out I'm vitamin D deficient, which is both an aggravator of my symptoms and a symptom itself. I'm now talking a vitamin D supplement.

A couple days before Christmas, I had the EMG. This doctor was very nice... he asked his questions, then got me on the table. Basically the first part of the test is he put a pad in various areas, then zapped me in various other areas to test how my nerves are working. He tested my leg and my arm (just in case my shoulder problems are connected). After zapping me quite a few times, he said I was one of the calmest patients he has ever had and that I tolerated the shocks very well... so I asked him if I should start screaming (apparently he does have that happen quite a bit). He then tested my back just to make sure the problems aren't originating there. Have I ever mentioned my back is pretty ticklish? The first time he touched me and I pretty much jumped against the wall, I informed him of this. His comment was that it wouldn't last long. And my reply was "no, no, getting that tattoo on my back was quite the adventure until I was able to block the whole thing out".

Then came the needle. And I asked if this was where I should start screaming. He said some people like the needle better than the shocks or the other way around. I'm not sure "like" would be the word I would use, but to each his own. Turns out I handle the needle just as well as the shocks, but it was strange.... the needle seemed to measure almost the frequency my nerves give out as I move. It wasn't exactly music, but it was kind of like putting the needle down on a record player.

In the end, as he was typing out the report, his conclusion was the same as the neurologist; my nerves are not the problem. The official conclusion is "Normal EMG of LUE and LLE without evidence of radiculopathy, thoracic outlet, nerve compression, or myopathy". In other words, the only the problem he could report was that I'm very ticklish... but he said I cancelled that out since I barely even moved whenever he zapped me ;)

He was also nice enough to confirm that my rheumatology appointment is still pending.. unfortunately the computer doesn't say how far back in the line I am, but now I need to get back to my regular doctor to discuss this and see how the Vitamin D thing is going. Hopefully, he can light a fire under the appointment or at least get a bit more information.

On a side note: I know this doesn't sound like good news, but it really is. 1) it's another cross off the list, and rather definitively. 2) I really didn't want it to be the nerves as that can be the cause or symptom of some very bad things.. or cause something worse down the line as the nerves degenerate even more.

And I needed this win right about now. So even better!

Rise Again and Fight

I started this year lost and with a broken heart... then just a few months in, what was left of my foundation all but crumbled. And I wandered. I floundered. I lost my fight.

But I rose again. I stood up and fought back. Only to have my world shatter again. And again. And again. In smaller pieces each time, but no less devastating to my already fragile psyche. I was running out of the glue that held me together. I was letting people I care about push me away... yet I gripped tighter so I would not lose anything else, until I realized it wasn't doing any good; I couldn't let anyone care about me and hurt me at the same time. Not now. So I stood up one more time.

For myself. Against myself.

It was time to take my choices back. Those choices I learned as a teenager; I choose to have a good day, I choose to smile instead of cry or yell, I choose how I react to how people treat me, I choose what is going on with my legs, I choose to keep moving forward.

Many months ago, I consciously began to heal. I made better choices for myself; where I lived, how I worked, who I spent time with, how I looked at the world around me.

A few months ago, I decided the limbo with my legs was unacceptable. I can only push the medical system so much, but I can at least dwindle my options. The crutches had to go. I went back to my cane and started using my wheelchair a bit more and it seems to be working better for me. The limp is still rather horrible, but I also do okay with my refusal to use a wheelchair while at home (or in familiar homes).

A couple months ago, I was fed up with how some people were treating me and with how I was reacting to it (the aforementioned gripping tighter), so I chose to speak up and sometimes even walk away. I do still hope some relationships can heal with some time away, but others seem to have left for good. After doing this many years ago, I do know that some people were only meant to be in my life for a certain amount of time and I will be better off without the hurt.. but that knowledge doesn't really make it hurt any less right now.

So I move forward, and I do it for myself.

I finally feel like I have my control back, my choices, my fight. I'm still a work in progress and I'll never be the same person I was, but I'm doing better. I'm more ready with a smile. I enjoy trying new things again. I'm better at taking care of myself. I'm glad to have learned the things I learned. I just don't ever want to relive the year 2014.... it was a tough year; a lot of good things happened, but overall it was just too much for one year and I don't want do it anymore. I look forward to 2015 and hope for better things on the horizon. I believe in those better things more than I did at this time last year because I feel hopeful rather than hopeless. At that makes next year better already.

A letter to someone I thought I knew

To my friend,

Yes, I do still consider you a friend.. at least the person I thought I knew. The person that last stood in front of me was not the friend that I loved, the friend I spent so much time with, the friend that I gave so much to. It was alarming seeing the shell of that person. Even worse, it broke my heart to realize that nothing I did would bring you back. If I'm honest with my myself, we began walking in different directions long before I realized it. Back when you were reassuring me that everyone that was walking away from me would regret it. You built me up, you gave me confidence, you inspired me to be better. And right when I needed you the most, you were the one that walked away.... I think that hurt more than anything else.

You said I had taken advantage and only thought of myself. You said I didn't care about anyone else around me. You said it was all my fault. You excused away every moment that I had tried to get through to you again. You said you gave up a while ago. You said I am the one that changed and that you were done with the person I had become.
  You were one of the few people that I have fully trusted in my life and you tossed that aside like it didn't matter. The last few times I saw you, you brought back that little girl that was convinced that I just had to do one thing right to make you love me again.... then the angry, rebellious teenager that decided even you didn't know what that one thing was, so I needed to protect myself by walking away and letting us both figure out what we needed for ourselves.

I am writing this letter today to say that it is time to take a good look at yourself. Find your way through the excuses and the blame to really look. We had equal parts in the turn that we took. All the things you saw in me, I saw in you. We had probably been projecting these things back and forth on each other to the point that we couldn't see the person underneath the blurred vision. Even now, you are a negative thought in my head. I question each memory, wondering if you really enjoyed that day or that moment; or if you thought of it bitterly, even at that time. Regardless, I find myself grasping onto those good times in order to hold onto the person I loved. In my struggles, I still hear you cheering me on or cheering me up.. and then I fight to keep that positive tone from being covered up by negative.

I'm writing this letter today to tell you that I will be stronger because of you, or maybe in spite of you. You caused a lot of damage (and I'm sorry for any damage I caused along the way), but I will heal. I will be the person I want to be, not the person you were trying to create. I will keep searching for that piece of brightness in my day, that unconditional piece of light that you used to give me. That smile out of nowhere. That small push that left me thinking I could conquer anything.

I am almost positive you won't read this letter, but in the slim chance that you do... can I have a hug? The old kind that told me you were glad to see me or sorry to see me go, the kind I was glad to reciprocate, rather than the recent kind that felt like a goodbye every time.