A letter to someone I thought I knew

To my friend,

Yes, I do still consider you a friend.. at least the person I thought I knew. The person that last stood in front of me was not the friend that I loved, the friend I spent so much time with, the friend that I gave so much to. It was alarming seeing the shell of that person. Even worse, it broke my heart to realize that nothing I did would bring you back. If I'm honest with my myself, we began walking in different directions long before I realized it. Back when you were reassuring me that everyone that was walking away from me would regret it. You built me up, you gave me confidence, you inspired me to be better. And right when I needed you the most, you were the one that walked away.... I think that hurt more than anything else.

You said I had taken advantage and only thought of myself. You said I didn't care about anyone else around me. You said it was all my fault. You excused away every moment that I had tried to get through to you again. You said you gave up a while ago. You said I am the one that changed and that you were done with the person I had become.
  You were one of the few people that I have fully trusted in my life and you tossed that aside like it didn't matter. The last few times I saw you, you brought back that little girl that was convinced that I just had to do one thing right to make you love me again.... then the angry, rebellious teenager that decided even you didn't know what that one thing was, so I needed to protect myself by walking away and letting us both figure out what we needed for ourselves.

I am writing this letter today to say that it is time to take a good look at yourself. Find your way through the excuses and the blame to really look. We had equal parts in the turn that we took. All the things you saw in me, I saw in you. We had probably been projecting these things back and forth on each other to the point that we couldn't see the person underneath the blurred vision. Even now, you are a negative thought in my head. I question each memory, wondering if you really enjoyed that day or that moment; or if you thought of it bitterly, even at that time. Regardless, I find myself grasping onto those good times in order to hold onto the person I loved. In my struggles, I still hear you cheering me on or cheering me up.. and then I fight to keep that positive tone from being covered up by negative.

I'm writing this letter today to tell you that I will be stronger because of you, or maybe in spite of you. You caused a lot of damage (and I'm sorry for any damage I caused along the way), but I will heal. I will be the person I want to be, not the person you were trying to create. I will keep searching for that piece of brightness in my day, that unconditional piece of light that you used to give me. That smile out of nowhere. That small push that left me thinking I could conquer anything.

I am almost positive you won't read this letter, but in the slim chance that you do... can I have a hug? The old kind that told me you were glad to see me or sorry to see me go, the kind I was glad to reciprocate, rather than the recent kind that felt like a goodbye every time.