Happy Birthday to Saber & Tsunami!!

I'm a bit early for Saber and late for Tsunami, so they get to share their celebration ;)

Almost two years ago, I adopted Saber.... or Saber adopted me. We just seemed to match and everything just seemed to work. There was an adjustment time as I learned more about wheelchairs in general, my mom helped me customize the material and find the most comfortable bag, and I finally figured out how to adjust everything. Saber has helped me experience more in the last couple years than I would have been able to if I had stayed completely on my feet.

Saber, you have patiently waited for me at countless race finishes (and you're happy to take the glory by going up with me to collect some awards), gone with me to many trail runs, accepted that I was going to take you hiking, through mud and puddles, and any other adventure I could figure out, you have helped me cheer at races, you enjoyed your very first visit to Disneyland (complete with a ride on the carousel and a 1st visit button) and DisneyWorld, you've enjoyed every trip since then as well, you have gone camping with me, up in an airplane, on boats, participated in our Relay For Life twice so far, we even joined the circus together..

You have saved me more times than I can count, simply by being there, ready to roll along with me. Thank you, Saber, for choosing me and for not putting up too much of a fight whenever I push you into the next adventure.

And just over a year ago, Tsunami was born. Made just for me, and named before she was even fully conceptualized. I fought for almost nine months to get her and the day I brought her home was wonderful. We fit together perfectly and our first runs together were great. Again, there was an adjustment in transitioning from Phil, figuring out all the velcro, the proper pushing technique, and just getting comfortable.

Tsunami, you were a dream come true, sponsored by some of the best people I know (even some I didn't) and you still sing with their cheers and encouragement every time we hit that start line.. and even more with each mile we get closer to every finish line. I think I spoiled you with the Dopey Challenge as your first race because you have only wanted to go faster and farther since then. You experienced my very first marathon with me (and the second one), hung with me during our first fall, you have been patient with me whenever we couldn't train, you are always glad to run with friends and you are happy to meet new ones, you hate trails, but you will endure them for me, and you have taken me up to speeds I never would have run without you.

You have also saved me more times than I can count, in pushing me to be better, to train harder, to keep my body healthy. Thank you, Tsunami, in getting me from start to finish, but also for letting me enjoy the journey in between... and for being an important part of Team Tsunami, in helping me encourage others to come play with us!

Happy Birthday to you, Saber and Tsunami!!! Thank you for coming into my life and changing it for the better, I don't even want to imagine where I would be without either one of you....


*** I feel really bad.. after all that, I realized I forgot about Bumblebee, my Freewheel. Trusty Bumblebee, always ready to help out when needed, is also a little over a year old. Bumblebee was given to me kind of like a Christmas puppy (a gift from some wonderful people!)... and has been just as loyal. Thank you, Bumblebee, for being forever ready to just come out and play with me and Saber!

Light and Depression

"Unfortunately we live in a world where if you break your arm, everyone runs over to sign your cast. But if you tell people you are depressed, everyone runs the other way."

I read that in a post by local journalist Frank Somerville about a week ago and it has been on my mind ever since because it really hit home for me. I have lived it. I have also lived the opposite. Sometimes at the same time...

When my leg first took that horrible turn and there was still hope it was just an injury, everyone was at the ready to hear the results... my leg had degraded too much and I could not run anymore. At that sentence, my small community gathered around to help, to encourage, to give me a push, and eventually sponsor my racing wheelchair. They stuck with me and were proud to be there. And I appreciated every smile, every hug, every cheer, every push on my journey.

Then things got worse. I had too many moments of "I can't" or "I wish I could still..." as my legs dwindled and became more painful. I stayed in medical limbo as doctors continued to shrug their shoulders as to why I was losing strength so fast and why my "bad" leg hurt so much or would not move the way it should, or why my "good" leg was suddenly less inclined to support the other one anymore. I refused to completely transition into my wheelchair until I actually knew what was going to happen, and some took that as denying I needed it, which always led to a rant about the wheelchair not being my first choice. My fight was pointed AT myself rather than FOR myself more often than I would like to admit. Some of my community tiptoed away as they tired of the negative side of me, others tiptoed in loving the positive side... and I appreciated both. Those that left opened my eyes to what I was doing to myself, and those that came in reminded me that I really like the positive me. And those that hung in there with me, either giving me a smile and a hug or a good smack when I needed it, became the lights in my day. All became my encouragement to find a happy place in my life by changing what I could and fighting or trying to accept the things I couldn't.

And on this upsweep I lost my brother, then I lost my job... then I was asked to leave my residence, which led to a less than ideal living situation, which led me back to my parents' house. Have I mentioned all of this has been in the span of just over two years now? My legs went down at the end of 2012 and I spent 2013 going doctor to doctor while learning/exploring my new world with wheelchairs and crutches. My brother passed at the end of 2013, just when I thought I had a handle on things, and, well I was a mess for pretty much all of 2014. Depression hit me hard because it has always been in the background for me. I'm not saying I was an unhappy child, but it is rare that I have a completely happy memory. My teenage years were filled with negativity until I was 16, when I decided I hated that black cloud that seemed to follow me and I began to poke holes of light into my gray sky. I made a conscious effort to look towards those pieces of light until it was automatic. Then the sky fell in on me.

At first, my small community grew and became strong for me, lifting those big pieces away with hugs and reassurances. The support was still there as I found my own strength to start clearing away the pieces on my own. It has been a slow process with more downs than ups, more "I can't" and "no" and "I hate this", more tears than smiles.... and a bigger black cloud than ever. And some that were most prevalent right at the beginning started to fade away, not leaving completely, just waiting on the outskirts to see what would happen. Others stepped in, braving the darkness to encourage those hints of light along with those that braved the storm that was my world. After some surprising people left entirely and others stepped in, and I realized my small community was mostly different from two years ago, I had a turning point. Same as that 16 year old kid that was tired of being in the dark, I found the strength to look at things differently. To recognize that there was more happy around me than sad. That I don't have to poke holes in my world to bring the light in, I'm better off leaving my gray surroundings whole and secure, and being the source of light myself. And already I find there is more light in my world than ever before because others are happy to join me and be an addition to the light rather than a source.

To those that have stayed with me, thank you for braving the storm, for picking up the pieces, for giving me the strength to pick myself back up. To those that left (especially when things were bad), thank you for opening my eyes and giving me a reason to change how I viewed my world... it hurt when it happened, sometimes still does and I'm also still healing from some new ones, but I know it was/will be a good thing for both of us. To those that came in (again, especially when things were bad) or came back, thank you for reminding me that the light of my smile, the hope in my heart, and my psychotic optimism are the things I like the most about myself.. and others seem to as well.

Now I am proud to have such great people with me. And I very much appreciate every smile, every hug, every cheer, every push on my journey.

Whose idea was this...?!

Dopey Challenge. 48.6 miles in 4 days. 5K, 10K, Half Marathon, Marathon.

I was SO not prepared for this.

After last years's Dopey, I wasn't entirely convinced I wanted to do that again.. maybe the full or the Goofy, but then a couple friends that had been dreaming of a runDisney race decided to go all out with starting off with Dopey. So not to be left behind, I signed up as well. And then I spent most of the year in and out of ERs (for my legs and my shoulder), doctors' offices, and just generally having problems with my shoulder. And my regular readers will remember that the doctors refused to do anything to help it for a while just in case it was linked to my leg. So for the most part, all of my training happened right before the half marathons I did in September and November.. and for the month of December. That great training schedule I wrote up mostly went to waste. Going into the Dopey, I knew I could make it through the half, it was the marathon I was worried about.

Three Musketeers... and a couple photo bombers on the second leg of our flight out!

But anyway, onto the fun! The friends I was traveling with haven't been to DisneyWorld for quite some time and haven't done a runDisney race before, so I had spent the last month or so answering every question they could think up, with the reassurance that I would keep answering. While I could answer most of the questions beforehand, there were plenty of times I was stumped after we got there... at least I know where to look. I know the basics and some special things, but I still don't know my way around the parks very well. During this trip, that was good. We were all happy to wing it, to grab a map, to head in a direction to see what we found. And there were also those moments where we made sure to do everything each of us wanted to make sure we did, or I was able to give out suggestions for things we should do that I thought they would also enjoy. And so the first day, we headed to the expo to pick up our bibs, so I could set up things with my wheelchair, and to go shopping! After a stop at our cabin (we stayed at Fort Wilderness) to drop off our bags, we headed over to Epcot so we could wander around and they could understand the course maps a bit better... all the races would start and end at Epcot.

Thursday- 5K

A lot of things were still up in the air as we headed over to the start for the 5K. Our van was there at the front, but it wasn't one with a lift. After we confirmed he was there for us, we just made it work. I had to transfer, then Saber and Tsunami had to get cozy in the back of the van together, which became a team effort... then we got cozy in the seat. That worked out in our favor because it was 39* with a windchill that took the temperature down to 29*. Next we had to figure out where my volunteers were; it had not been confirmed wether or not we had the wheelchair tent for the 5K and 10K this time. It was so cold, everyone was huddled in the information tents and I didn't see my volunteer friend, so we headed to the wheelchair tent. She was there! There ended up being six of us for the 5K and our volunteers let us stay in the tent for as long as possible (which gave enough time for a friend to stop in to say hi, enjoy the tent's protection for a moment, and take a picture!), but eventually I very bravely took off my jacket to transfer into Tsunami. Because we had waited, getting up to the start was a bit more complicated, but with our volunteers and various friends that walked up with us, they were able to make enough space in the crowd for us to get through.

   The race itself is a bit of blur... after they sent us off, we were all just trying to get warm! My hands were frozen, my arms wanted nothing to do with this, and I'm pretty sure Tsunami was swearing.. or maybe that was me, or my hand cycling friend who was also rather frozen. We stuck together for a bit and were both surprised at how fast we went for the first mile, but he got ahead of me as I fell back a bit. My hands finally thawed at about mile 2 and my last mile was almost enjoyable, and it was really good to go into the familiar finish line. My friend waited for me at the finish so we could get pictures and head back to the tent together, and we were joined by one of our volunteers to escort us. It wasn't long after I switched back to Saber, put more clothes back on, and started eating when my other Musketeers got to the tent. They were both pretty happy with their first race of the week! I also got to actually talk to my friend I had been talking to/giving information about runDisney through Special Mouse Podcast; the 5K was his first Disney race and he would also be participating in the 10K with his street chair and a Freewheel, which I ended up helping him fix because it had been pulling to one side and, after all the problems I had with mine (until they figured out what was actually wrong with it), I already knew how to fix it.

Our friendly driver from earlier beat out another driver to take us back to the hotel (even waved him off when the other guy said my chairs wouldn't fit), which was pretty entertaining.. aaaaaand he had the heater turned up already! After showers, stretching, a bit more food, and sitting down for a bit, we headed over to Magic Kingdom for a while! One Musketeer went back to the hotel for a nap before dinner, while we went to Downtown Disney to meet up with my aunt.

Friday- 10K

Warmer. In the sense that 40* is warmer than 29*.. and no wind! And one Musketeer came down with a cold. But! We had our same driver, we knew to go straight to the tent, our volunteers were waiting for us, in our new "warmth" we were able to spread outside the tent, and not only were our wheelchair friends waiting for us, so were some Brazen friends! It was also a bit easier to take off my jacket this time.

   I hadn't slept well that night, so the 10K was harder than it should have been. I started off with my hand cycling friend again... in our frozen states again. The streets were hard to push on, but Epcot was like floating; I did figure out later that my tires needed air, so that added to my sluggishness. At least this time when my hands thawed out, I still had more miles to use them, and it actually became enjoyable. Until almost mile 6 when a runner made the comment that we just had to do this six more times (as in six more 10Ks over the next two days). I chose not to look at this person so I didn't try to jump out of my chair at him. I did go faster instead, so I guess it all worked out. Second time through the familiar finish, met up with my volunteer escort again, and made it back to the tent to put on more clothes again. And my Musketeers were a bit more spread out this time.

   Our driver got us back to the hotel, then after a disagreement with a resort bus driver and transportation manager about Tsunami, we were in the cold too long.. and still had to walk back to our cabin. They made me get in the shower first and I was in there much longer than I should have because I just could not warm up at that point. One musketeer ended up going down for a nap, while the other two of us curled up on the couch... and ended up taking naps as well. I guess it wasn't just me that the 10K was hard on.

Post nap, we headed over to Animal Kingdom to meet up with some Brazen friends for a bit, see the Lion King show, and find some pre-half marathon dinner. I believe this was the day I consciously looked at the clock and decided it was a great idea to go to bed at 7:30pm.

Saturday- Half Marathon

New driver, but still friendly and this time he had a lift. Warmer... I think we made it into the high 40s. Aaaaand traffic. I had not seen the half marathon traffic like this before, but luckily our driver was well versed in traffic; "You're about to see my New York driving skills. Please don't judge me." We applauded as he pulled the large van into the line of cars to get on the highway. As we pulled up, they were unloading my hand cycling friend, who had some troubles with his driver and was worried about being late. I reassured him there would still be someone to escort us up to the start. I missed some friends that came by to say hi though. My favorite volunteer told us they had already taken up a couple groups and she wasn't entirely sure how to get us there, but we would get there.. fortunately one of the other volunteers came back just as we were about to head out. Once again, through the woods and over the highway to get to the start. My other favorite volunteer reprimanded me for being late, just like last year! I still got a hug though. And another big hug from my pushrim friend, whom I had not seen since last year's Dopey (spoiler alert: she took first again for the half and full!), which was really great to keep lifting my spirits from rushing to the start.

picture taken by one of my favorite volunteers!

   Once again, I started out with my hand cycling friend, who made the comment that our two minute head start seemed to be getting shorter and shorter each morning. We each ended up with a bike escort, who both seemed to be new at this, so they weren't a whole lot of help, but it was nice to have them there. We stayed together for about five miles, cheering each other on, entertaining each other with random comments, and laughing as the runner tracking went off on each of our phones (we were tracking each other). We had some trouble going under the water bridge.. I had asked one of the escorts to get in front of us to clear the way, but he got a bit too far in front, then my friend had some trouble with his shifter and got stuck. As I was going around him, I said the other bike that was still behind us should help him, but then the bike passed me and he ended up getting help from a runner. I didn't have much confidence in the escorts after that. I also slowed down a bit to recover from the incline, and my friend was able to keep going so I lost him as we headed into the Magic Kingdom. Going down Main Street is always fun because it is lined with spectators on one side and employees on the other, cheering us all on.

   After leaving the Magic Kingdom, we basically head out onto the highway to head back to Epcot. Not terribly exciting.... but at least it has some straightaways for me. About mile 9, I stopped in at a medical tent (my bike escort was too far ahead to ask for help) and asked someone to pull my fruit pack out of my pocket; knowing this course, I knew I was going to need the energy for the last few miles. I made it up the first overpass okay and there was an army man near the top of the climb cheering on the runners.. when he saw me, he proclaimed an "all-terrain vehicle" was coming up and encouraged me to "Push! Push! Push!" At the top of the second overpass, my bike escort was waiting at the top and asked if I was ready for the next one. I believe my answer was a very emphatic "NO", but we continued on anyway. I was wearing my Accessible Icon jersey, which has their #MovingForward on the back, and this was when I had a runner with me for a few minutes referring to me as "MovingForward" and encouraging me to do so. I made it down to the turn and started up the third and final overpass, made possible by much cheering from the runners passing me, met up with my escort again and followed him into Epcot to finish up the race.

   As soon as I heard the choir that is always set up on the last turn, I was able to break out in a sprint to the finish line. I headed off to the side because the race director had been checking in with me after each finish to make sure all my times were recorded, but he had someone else recording this time and one of the runDisney people that helps out at the start came over to see how I was doing: "I'm. Done!" (said very emphatically). He laughed and gave me a hug, then offered to let me cut through instead of going through the finish chute, but I thanked him and said I would be okay. I then met up with one of the wheelchair volunteers, who introduced me to the small army of volunteers that would escort me back to the tent.... and my friend waited for me again, which is probably why there were so many escorts ;) We got our pictures together again, requested our escorts to load up on water and food, and made it back to the tent. My favorite volunteer delegated help for us to get back into our street chairs, then handed over my bag so I could change clothes. I switched my shirt first thing.. I don't care how much "warmer" it was, I was still having extra trouble keeping my core warm. Then pulled some pants over my leggings, but realized I wasn't able to stand on my own so I asked one of the volunteers to help me, and subsequently embarrassed him a bit when he asked me what I was doing; "pulling up my pants" probably wasn't what he was expecting to hear.

My many times mentioned Favorite Volunteer (one of them!) who loves mornings, and smiling, and hugs, and pictures.... ;)

   One Musketeer came in right before I headed over to see the awards ceremony. I told her where our other Musketeer was according to the runner tracking, so she decided to wait for him then they would head over. I found my push rim friend and got another hug, held her "warmer than I am" tea for a while, shared a towel with her to try to keep us both warm.... and participated in some pretty fancy wheelchair moves to turn away from the sun for some pictures, while keeping the towel on both of us!

Me sitting between the 1st place push rims!

Victory on an away-from-the-sun selfie!!

After they got their awards (I got 2nd place so I have to wait to get mine on the mail), I found my Musketeers and we went to drop off Tsunami by our transport area so we could see my aunt finish her half. One Musketeer stayed behind because the wind had kicked up a bit again and she was too cold. My other Musketeer and I headed over to the finish area, but stayed a bit past the finish line so we could find a spot next to the fence while I texted my uncle. We saw a friend come by while we waited, and a few minutes later, my phone announced that my aunt had finished. We were able to cheer for her as she went by, met up with my uncle, then found a spot to meet up with my aunt as well before heading back the our other Musketeer and Tsunami..... and figured out a time to meet for lunch!

Finishers!! Aaaaaand oops, stole the towel from earlier ;)

We went back to the cabin to clean up; it was our cold Musketeer's turn to grab the first shower, while her friend, who was joining us for the weekend, was directed to us. Once all of us were cleaned up and the car was unloaded, we headed to Downtown Disney for a victory lunch. Afterwards, our Musketeer with a cold wasn't feeling well, so he went back to the cabin for a nap, my aunt and uncle went back to their hotel, so the three of us shopped our way back to the buses.

Sunday- Marathon

One. More. Time! Last early wake up! Warmer! Made it to the 50s, so comparatively I'm going to call it comfortable and this was the first morning I wore the clothes I had planned on. Same driver as the half and we had changed our pick up time so he didn't have to show off his New York driving skills again. I got to meet a couple more new people. I got to see a couple friends (my favorite volunteers call them my "fans" since Wine & Dine) and take pictures. And I actually got to prepare before heading up to start this time. I still was not ready for this.. but I'm just too damn stubborn to believe I wouldn't cross that finish.

Me and my hand cycling friend (picture by him!) before our last start of the week!

Besides the other Dopeys and a Goofy or two, there were all new people, meaning mostly fresh arms... so we were left behind pretty quick. We stayed together for a couple miles before he was able to take off while my arms were decidedly protesting this whole thing. After pushing through the cold for three days, they were not impressed with our new temperatures so we fought for an extra mile or two before they decided to just help me out. A little. There isn't really a comfortable speed going through the parks because of all the turns, but I did what I could and soaked in all the cheering I could get. Outside the Magic Kingdom, I made it to the Test Track, where I had fallen last year. I was promised there would be help this time, but I didn't see anyone so I carefully went down and stopped in the dip. Right after I asked a runner for help, two medics came running down and helped push me up.. I thanked them as they pushed me out onto the track, where I met two wonderful people. First, a man came up next to me and asked about that hill; when I answered that I had fallen last year, he said he was the one the picked me up! I thanked him again and we talked for a few minutes before he continued on. Then there was a Team In Training coach, watching for her participants. I got close to her and asked if she would do me a favor... she ran next to me as I told her my shirt was riding up in the back and as we kept moving, she tucked it back down into the back of my seat. So much better! Outside the track, Born To Be Wild was playing from somewhere and I thanked my brother for being there again. Beyond that, I almost missed a friend cheering for me, but it registered eventually.. I just missed out on the candy she would have given me.

Picture taken by a friend that found a great spot on Main Street!

   I think I was just on automatic while pushing to Animal Kingdom, where I decided I really had to pee, which is complicated because I can't walk on my own when getting out of Tsunami, especially after the last few days. After almost breaking down in tears inside the park (not sure why, just crazy racing emotions), I stopped at the medic tent just outside and asked if they had a port-a-potty and some help for me. Two medics guided me around the side, asked what kind of help I needed, and made sure I didn't fall down. Turns out that few minutes of a break was very much needed because I was able to head out quite renewed.. that, and the fruit pack I had eaten a couple miles back probably kicked in. After that is a good straightaway to head over to ESPN, during which another huge help showed up. A man I had met during Wine & Dine from Team RWB that had cheered me on and up; this time was no different. He found me as I was struggling up an overpass, where I told him I had nothing left... he was quick to reassure me I was almost to the top, the downhill would be great, and we were over halfway done! And when he heard me announce I was coming down said downhill, he cheered even more! I may have even smiled at him!

   Noodling through ESPN is fun because there are a few points where it's lined with spectators, and when they see a wheelchair they get even louder. After going through two waves of cheers, a runner fell back to run next to me and announced he was going to stick with me for a bit because I got the loud cheers. Not too long after that, as I was struggling up the last big incline on the road I heard from behind me "come on, let's cheer her on!" followed by a response of loud cheers and each runner going past me gave a personal round of support and shoulder pats. I'd had so many moments like this over the last few days, especially during the marathon, that when I stopped at the medic tent a little bit later, the man helping me almost brought to tears again. I had stopped because I was pretty sure I had a blister on my finger. I was right. He saw the protection bandaid I had lower on my finger and asked if that happened a lot, and I told him that it didn't, I just wasn't pushing right. When he asked if I was okay, I answered that I was just tired and wanted to finish. I think he heard a little desperation there because he finished putting on my new bandaid and helped me put my glove back on, reassuring me that I could do this as he pushed me back out onto the course. I spent most of Hollywood Studios trying to calm the tears.. usually I wouldn't have a problem letting them loose, but I would have had to stop again since I wouldn't be able to see or wipe them away.

   After Hollywood Studios, we headed through the Boardwalk to get to the back of Epcot, which is reassuring for two reasons; many spectators lining the trail and there's only a couple miles left! And I ended up running with the same basic group of people for that last bit. When we made it to the choir on that last turn, we all encouraged each other to pick it up for the finish and they made sure make space for me to make my own sprint. Yes, I almost cried again as I crossed the finish. In those last few miles, I realized what I had just done; many times during the course, I thought about stopping, but I kept looking down at my Garmin and saw that those numbers kept going up so I figured I could keep moving. I fought. I fought the course, my body, the minutes, but most of all, I fought those thoughts that said I couldn't do this, that said I shouldn't be out there. I told them to kiss my ass, that I was finishing this damn thing no matter what obstacles were thrown out (really? A potty break?! That's all you got???). These were the same thoughts as I fought to finish that very first half marathon back in 2005, that one I wasn't supposed to be able to finish, or continue after. It was good to have those thoughts back. And I rolled right into a hug from one of my volunteers, who probably had no idea how much I needed that one. He passed me off to that day's small army of escorts, who made sure to load up on water and food, and that I got all my medals and pictures, before making our way back to the tent.

  I was the last wheelchair in, so they were extra happy to see me come in, then hustled to get me out of Tsunami... and clothes changed.. and attack any food in front of me.... and hoooooly crap it's starting to rain! I then tried to go see my friend in the VIP tent with my favorite volunteer escorting me, but she was already gone. I did get her on the phone and she encouraged me to grab some food and ask for a special drink at the bar, which we did and also both got a pair of socks because of my name dropping! One Musketeer had finished, so we headed back to our tent, where I shared the spoils of the VIP tent with her. Except my socks. And my drink ;) I told her our other Musketeer, who still hadn't been feeling well (but was going to finish, dammit!) looked like he was really slowing down.. he had been due in about 45 minutes after her when I first came in, but when I got another update, that time had grown. And then it really started raining, which really didn't help the worrying. Our volunteers had to go soon after that, so we were left in the tent with my hand cycling friend, who was waiting for his wife to finish, and some runners that had come in to get out of the rain. Luckily the rain didn't last too long, and the runner tracking announced our final Musketeer's finish almost right as predicted... and he didn't take too long to get to us. We went straight to transport, where the coordinator was waiting with two options; a van or a bus. We opted for the van, as we knew we could get everything in and that may not be the case for someone behind us. The driver helped me into the front seat (impressed that I didn't get my socks wet!) and the coordinator was impressed at how well we all worked together to get the chairs in the back. The driver ended up taking us all the way to our cabin (rules be damned!) and we were very thankful for that.. the walk from the drop off isn't much, but it would have been at that point. Our extra roommate was waiting for us when we got there and joined in sending our sick Musketeer to the shower first so he could stretch and get some rest while we followed him.

Tsunami sporting our last three medals!

So happy to be doooooooooone!!!!

After showering, stretching, and extra down time, we went back to Downtown Disney for food, and more food, and shopping, and custom-made caramel apples, and one last visit with my hand cycling friend! And back to cabin to eat said apples... they never stood a chance!

Monday- Sleeping In!

You know you have been waking up waaaaaay too early when 7am is sleeping in. By quite a few hours. We very much took our time this morning before heading out to Hollywood Studios and leisurely wandered around the park... except once when one Musketeer tried to rush me onto a ride that we had gotten on my DAS card because she was afraid we would miss our window; she was new to this whole thing so I reassured her I had no window with the DAS and that the "very nice lady won't rush me... unlike soooome people", to which the Cast Member chuckled and agreed that we could take our time. We were also sure to take the car guy to the car stunt show.. and then more food.. and shopping.

  We tried to go to Animal Kingdom after that, but we pulled the plug before we made it to the entrance because it had started to rain and was coming down harder than we would like. It was a good call because by the time we made it back to the cabin it was a full on downpour. When the rain stopped about 7pm, we made one last last trip to Magic Kingdom for a couple hours; got see the fireworks, get some Haunted Mansion merchandise, go on the Haunted Mansion (with 5 minutes to spare!), get pictures in front of the castle, and load up on cookies before heading back to the cabin. And I had decided to do all this with my cane instead of Saber to try to get my leg stretched out before getting on the airplane the next day in the hopes it would cut down on the cramping/spasms (that, combined with using my cushion from Saber, seems to have worked!!). I was walking extremely slow by the end of it and my balance was worse than usual, but I think I did pretty good!

It was a great trip and, ultimately, I am glad I decided to sign up for the Dopey Challenge... especially in joining my other Musketeers in running their first Disney race. But also in proving to myself that I still have that push inside. That fight that I had not been quite convinced had come back. I am now. And, as mentioned in my previous post, my smile. My fight, my smile, my fantastic traveling/running companions, and all the friends I got to see made this a truly wonderful week. And I am grateful to have started off the year this way!

PS; NOT doing Dopey next year. Maybe the Marathon... and the 10K.. or Goofy.....

And if you would like to hear about the trip with me and my Freewheel friend, please listen to this Special Mouse Podcast

Have you noticed...?

Do you notice something different about me in these pictures...?

Don't look too close.. it's either obvious or it's not. I was going through pictures from my recent DisneyWorld trip (don't worry, I'll get started on the race reports after this!) and I realized something was different, but couldn't figure it out and kept looking. Many pictures in, it dawned on me.

My smile is back full force.

This big push forward is in thanks of all the great people I got to take pictures with last week. And I'm glad. I lost this smile right before 2014 started, maybe even back at the beginning of 2013; I lost function in my leg (and it has just been getting worse), I lost my brother, I lost my job of 8 years, I bounced around houses until I ended up back at my parents' house, and I had some friends walk out of my upside down world because they didn't like it and/or my healing process.

I fully admit it's been a long process and I have had more downs than ups... at my first appointment with my therapist, she took a deep breath after I told her why I was there, and told me all the hits I had been taking was basically like enduring a trauma over and over with no time to heal. And just when I thought there was nothing else, I took another one. But a few months ago, I had a turning point. That sixteen year old kid I was came out and smacked me for undoing all the work she did in making me a positive person, in choosing to have a good day, in thinking everything was going to be okay. It's still a process; the brain is a negative machine and you have to retrain it otherwise. Every time I get negative, I stop and take a moment to see all the good. It gets easier each day; I have to redirect those thoughts less and less.

I have been making those leaps that I have been working so hard on, that I have been consciously moving towards. And this is huge.

A long time ago, someone told me that my smile lights up every bit of me and almost gives me a halo. I never entirely understood that, but I have always been proud of that... despite everything I have gone through in my life, that smile remained. I guess everything dims when hit enough times. And now I understand. In these pictures from DisneyWorld, I am practically glowing.

And everything is going to be okay. ;)

Kicking And Screaming

I had a strange dream last night that has stuck with me all day, so you all get to hear about it... I'm sure there's all kinds of interpretations that can come of this, but I'm going literal for the moment.

I was in some kind of store waiting in a line in my wheelchair, and as I moved up it seemed that it was too easy to push, but I didn't think anything of it until the next time I moved; the person standing behind me was pushing me. I asked them to stop and when they didn't, I demanded it. I even tried to stop the chair, but they were insistent so I started screaming. Even then, they leaned down to ask me if I was okay, but still pushed me. I screamed again. This time I got the attention of others around me, and finally I was left to my own devices.

This gives me a moment to share some things about being in a wheelchair. Please note, these are my opinions and may not apply in general.
1) The wheelchair is a part of me, especially when I'm in it. Do. Not. Touch. Unless I have given you permission. If you wouldn't just pick someone up and carry them somewhere, don't push someone in a wheelchair without asking. Makes me nervous. There's a reason I don't have handles.
2) Just because I'm in a wheelchair (or I'm on crutches, or I'm using a cane, or I limp horribly) doesn't mean I need to move around with a safety net. I'm pretty independent, I do all kinds of things on my own. That's not to say I don't need help sometimes, because I do. Here's a good guide for offering help; ask if I need help. And respect my answer. If I say no, step back and let me do my thing. If I say yes, ask me how to help. Those of you that know me know I'm going to try at least a couple times before I concede... and even then, it may just be a bit more of a push to see how I should do it next time.
3) Remember the good old saying; No Means No! I believe that the person in my dream meant well and thought they were helping, but that moment when I asked them to stop should have ended it, not taken us to the point where I was screaming and getting everyone else's attention. Just because my legs don't work doesn't my voice doesn't count anymore.

I think this dream really spoke to one of my biggest fears with the wheelchair (and currently how a friendship may have ended, so I may be a bit more sensitive about it); everyone thinking I need to be taken care of and not giving me a say in it, or simply questioning my abilities. I see it every day.. people staring as I get in and out of my car, roaming around a store with strangers watching me and wondering if they should offer some help, friends that are uncomfortable with me now, family that doesn't quite accept that I need the chair. Hell, even when I'm with those that still treat me as they always have, strangers have stared at them wondering why they're not helping me.

I don't think I have admitted this out loud, except to maybe a select few people, but after this dream I think it's time to say it; at this point, I feel more capable in the chair than anything else. My limp is usually horrible, slows me down quite a bit, and severely limits my distance or time on my feet. My cane helps the last sentence a bit, but not enough, in my opinion... but I do try to walk a bit each day, even if it's just around the house, so I don't lose what I've got. In my chair, I can keep up with my plans for the day and/or the people I'm with, I'm not in nearly as much pain at the end of the day (or in the beginning or the middle), and I can go much faster.... I am constantly called a speed demon with Saber as I zip around!

The message I want to share from the dream is don't assume someone needs helps just because something about them is different. If you see an obvious struggle (with anyone), offer help, but unless it's an emergency make sure to listen for the answer.

The message I want to make sure I remember is no one can take my independence from me. It's mine, and I will fight for it. I am that same person I was just over two years ago, I just need to keep remembering that... I've gone through hell in two years, but as long as I keep fighting I know that person I was is still there, even if I lose sight of that fight sometimes.

Something always brings it back soon enough.

Kicking and screaming.