Kicking And Screaming

I had a strange dream last night that has stuck with me all day, so you all get to hear about it... I'm sure there's all kinds of interpretations that can come of this, but I'm going literal for the moment.

I was in some kind of store waiting in a line in my wheelchair, and as I moved up it seemed that it was too easy to push, but I didn't think anything of it until the next time I moved; the person standing behind me was pushing me. I asked them to stop and when they didn't, I demanded it. I even tried to stop the chair, but they were insistent so I started screaming. Even then, they leaned down to ask me if I was okay, but still pushed me. I screamed again. This time I got the attention of others around me, and finally I was left to my own devices.

This gives me a moment to share some things about being in a wheelchair. Please note, these are my opinions and may not apply in general.
1) The wheelchair is a part of me, especially when I'm in it. Do. Not. Touch. Unless I have given you permission. If you wouldn't just pick someone up and carry them somewhere, don't push someone in a wheelchair without asking. Makes me nervous. There's a reason I don't have handles.
2) Just because I'm in a wheelchair (or I'm on crutches, or I'm using a cane, or I limp horribly) doesn't mean I need to move around with a safety net. I'm pretty independent, I do all kinds of things on my own. That's not to say I don't need help sometimes, because I do. Here's a good guide for offering help; ask if I need help. And respect my answer. If I say no, step back and let me do my thing. If I say yes, ask me how to help. Those of you that know me know I'm going to try at least a couple times before I concede... and even then, it may just be a bit more of a push to see how I should do it next time.
3) Remember the good old saying; No Means No! I believe that the person in my dream meant well and thought they were helping, but that moment when I asked them to stop should have ended it, not taken us to the point where I was screaming and getting everyone else's attention. Just because my legs don't work doesn't my voice doesn't count anymore.

I think this dream really spoke to one of my biggest fears with the wheelchair (and currently how a friendship may have ended, so I may be a bit more sensitive about it); everyone thinking I need to be taken care of and not giving me a say in it, or simply questioning my abilities. I see it every day.. people staring as I get in and out of my car, roaming around a store with strangers watching me and wondering if they should offer some help, friends that are uncomfortable with me now, family that doesn't quite accept that I need the chair. Hell, even when I'm with those that still treat me as they always have, strangers have stared at them wondering why they're not helping me.

I don't think I have admitted this out loud, except to maybe a select few people, but after this dream I think it's time to say it; at this point, I feel more capable in the chair than anything else. My limp is usually horrible, slows me down quite a bit, and severely limits my distance or time on my feet. My cane helps the last sentence a bit, but not enough, in my opinion... but I do try to walk a bit each day, even if it's just around the house, so I don't lose what I've got. In my chair, I can keep up with my plans for the day and/or the people I'm with, I'm not in nearly as much pain at the end of the day (or in the beginning or the middle), and I can go much faster.... I am constantly called a speed demon with Saber as I zip around!

The message I want to share from the dream is don't assume someone needs helps just because something about them is different. If you see an obvious struggle (with anyone), offer help, but unless it's an emergency make sure to listen for the answer.

The message I want to make sure I remember is no one can take my independence from me. It's mine, and I will fight for it. I am that same person I was just over two years ago, I just need to keep remembering that... I've gone through hell in two years, but as long as I keep fighting I know that person I was is still there, even if I lose sight of that fight sometimes.

Something always brings it back soon enough.

Kicking and screaming.