Familiar Chaos

At this time last year, I was living in chaos... and not my usual kind. I believe it was about this time that I told my therapist that I just wanted my chaos back when she asked me what my goals were. I had no purpose in my day, I had just moved farther away from most of my family and friends, and I had no focus. I was signed up for plenty of races, just no focus to train for them. Plenty of time for crafting and art, but no focus to get any of my many ideas finished... sometimes not even started.

This kind of chaos is a vicious circle. The less I did, the more I wanted to do, the more I was overwhelmed.

I crammed for my races. Training only right before them because I kept pushing too hard and injuring myself, so the time I took to heal brought me right to the race with hardly any time to train. I still did though.. and finished the races in less than optimal shape. And the whole thing started over because I had to heal once again.

I forced myself to create something. And that just kills the fun of it, making it hard to start again the next day. My artwork and designs were obviously forced (to me, anyway), which further discouraged me.

Being far away from those I usually talked to and living with someone that was rarely home isolated me further... it made me push harder out on the trail, to start more projects before others were finished because I had no other outlet to get out the frustration and emotions. Piled on top, this was about the time some surprising friends were backing out of my life, either quietly or with a few kicks on the way out. Not that I blame them, I wanted so much to leave this chaos behind by simply walking out a door or not answering a request.

It took a few months to hit the bottom of this spiral. To pull myself back up and smack the hell out of me.. ask myself what the hell I was doing?! I never blamed anyone except myself, which was just as damaging as not accepting any; this was a time where I simply needed to realize there was no blame, to let myself heal, to remember that life goes on even after such an upheaval, to tell myself I didn't need to force so much, to forge new relationships as the new person I was becoming. Most of all, I had to stop believing that I was less than I had been two years before, when I had working legs, a job, a brother, a huge goal about to be crossed off (my first and only ultra marathon!)

At the beginning of this year, that chaos seems to have melted away.. almost on its own. Leaving space for me replace it with my chosen chaos. I still had to heal from participating in Dopey in no shape to do it. I slowly worked back into running with Tsunami and riding with Raptor, I started going to sitting volleyball practices again, I joined some new groups for other activities, and rediscovered some old ones. In April, I found out I received the grant I had applied for with the Challenged Athletes Foundation, cementing my long desired goal of finishing a triathlon (shameless plug; if you'd like to donate to CAF, please visit my page; http://caf1.convio.net/goto/TeamTsunami). In response, I also signed up for a local sprint triathlon to get a feel for the transitions.. that's coming up in just over a week. This made me write out a training schedule and so far, I feel like I'm doing great, but this also kind of brings me to the inspiration of this post; I made today a rest day.

I haven't been pushing too hard and I'm not hurt (just sore!), but I've been doing something very new (swimming is no joke!) and I'm worn out. Instead of heading out for a bike ride this morning, I stayed in bed a bit longer. I never could have convinced myself to do this last year, I would have thought I had done something wrong and needed to go out and try again to fix it. This was world I lived in last year, especially near the end; I believed those that were trying to convince me I had become a horrible and/or selfish person that was doing everything wrong.

But now...

Now I believe that there is no right or wrong way. That I'm doing the best I can. And that's all I can really ask myself for, all that others should expect from me, all I should expect from them. Most of all, I believe that everything is going to turn out okay... and that I'm going to have a great time at the Sprint next weekend!

On top of this, the desire to create is back. I always have ideas bouncing around my head, but now they're actually making their way out... onto paper, sculpted into clay, hardened in resin, knotted into strings, designed on the computer, I even finally made a wind chime out of some of my running medals (a long ago idea that I never had time for). I'm even thinking about opening up my Etsy shop again, or even creating a new one instead, to dedicate it to fundraising for Team Tsunami and our training/races... I'm finding that keeping myself in wheels is just as bad as running shoes ;)