At this point in my life, I choose my wheelchair. It is where I am most comfortable.
This started a few weeks ago when one of Saber's tires blew and I didn't have an extra (was never able to afford to spend that money, but rest assured my parents stepped in on that.. I now have two new tires and an extra). I ended up waiting just over a week for the new tire to come in and was forced to use my crutches during that time. I was grateful that I had just done any shopping I needed to do right before this happened because I pretty much avoided going anywhere that required me to walk much... my biggest outing was to play sitting volleyball and even that was rather harrowing because it was near the end of the week of crutches and I was just so frazzled about the whole thing at that point.
It was when I went to get my replacement tire at the bike shop that had helped me last time this happened that I realized why I missed having Saber so much. The gentleman helping me said he was being careful with the tire for various reasons and my unheeded response was "yes, please don't break my tire.. I am so tired of being upright." I said this with my usual dry wit while leaning heavily on my crutches, wandering the room in fear of my leg getting angry if I stopped, and in much more pain than usual. We both laughed at the comment, but it soon began ricocheting around my brain.
I wanted my chair?
It was an unconscious choice?
I missed zipping around on four wheels?
I hate walking?
A year ago, I had friend accuse me of resisting the chair and my response had been that it merely wasn't my first choice; and I was still in such medical limbo that I didn't want to settle, that if there was hope I could walk, I was going to hang onto it. Don't get me wrong, I still hope my leg can be fixed and I'll be able to walk normally.. hell, I'd be happy with a cane. I think the shift has come in living in the present, in handing myself the argument I have been giving the doctors for years; whenever they tell me I'm too young for certain procedures (namely, the constantly denied knee replacement), I argue that my life is limited now, that the things I want to do while I'm young won't miraculously become possible when I'm much older just because they finally give me a new knee.
I have been in or heard a few conversations about mobility lately, and those are what pushed me to write this. I saw a post to a friend about the exoskeleton allowing a wheelchair user to walk, but my friend stated that he didn't like the unnatural and cumbersome device and preferred to put in the work and be able to someday walk on his own; I brought up hating my crutches because they slow me down, cause pain, and are also unnatural and cumbersome... it became a moment of not wanting to walk by any means just for the sake of walking.
I was harassed by someone who thought I wasn't handicapped enough to use my placard, simply because he only saw me standing and that I was getting on a bike. As I struggled on that ride (more uphill than I had expected), I thought about all those times I had to be convinced to use a wheelchair or a scooter to help me get around because I had the same thought... other people needed those things more than I did or I was able enough to make it through the day. I have slowly realized that there will always be people that need something more than me and I may be able, but that doesn't mean I need to suffer through when help is at my fingertips.
I listened to the Special Mouse Podcast about Disney's bus transport (finally!)... near the end, the topic moved to the stigma of renting a scooter or wheelchair and it hit home for me. There were a few times before I got Saber that I used a scooter or wheelchair in the parks. At first, it took much convincing on my friends' parts, then continuing to ignore the looks of others trying to determine what was "wrong" with me... and the huge difference when I was obviously using my own chair rather than a rented one. Misconceptions, people. It's holding us all back. You never know what obstacle someone else is working through, first impressions are rarely correct.
And that brings me back to the ricochet....
Yes, I wanted my chair. It makes me feel more capable, more independent, more free.
Yes, the choice filtered in when I wasn't paying attention, as I went about living.
Yes, I missed the speed Saber provides me, rather than the slow carefulness of my horrible limp or leaning on sticks strapped to my arms.
Yes, at this point I hate walking.. at least for more than around the house or to and from the car. It hurts; not only me, but those that care about me and have admittedly had to fight from jumping up to help me because it's obvious how challenging moving that leg forward is.
I refuse to give up walking altogether while it's still a possibility for me, but when it comes down to it, you're going to see me with Saber more often than not. And I'm more than okay with that.
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