Missing

Last night I dreamed that I was running through a forrest barefoot... practically frolicking. Over the trails, through streams, up rocks, it was beautiful. And I woke up in a rather calm state, but then I had to stand up and my reality came crashing back. Don't get me wrong, I have accepted and am comfortable in my current life, but that doesn't stop me from wishing things like being able to just walk out the front door without the varying extra stuff I need now. It's usually a fleeting wish of the simpler life I used to live not long ago and took advantage of every day until it was gone.

But the one thing I would take back without question is my random ramblings through the trails (barefoot or not).. my Family Circus wanderings until I got tired and pulled out my map to figure out where I ended up and how to get back to my car. Those adventures are what I miss the most.

And none of the new adventures I've discovered come close to that, but I'll keep looking!

On another note, a different missing piece has been pressing on me lately. It was about this time last year that I was losing or had lost some friends. I had spent almost a year in a hellish daze, trying to pull myself back to the surface and some friends I had counted on had enough. Some walked out quietly, some pointed out all the negative my life had become.. those ones took a long time to get past. It's hard to overcome it when you're already trying to heal and those close to you are trying to convince you that you've become (or had been, in a couple cases) a selfish and horrible person. Some days, I still have to take a moment to remember the fun we had or the nice things I did in order to get past the person I last saw.

I find myself missing the friends I had before they focused on my negative moments and/or qualities (however numerous they were at that point), and only wish they would talk to me. My deepest wish is they would share one last moment with me, a lunch maybe. Only one more moment because while I miss them, I have accepted that we were removed from each other's lives for a reason. That we served our roles for each other and we're now on separate paths that may or may not meet up again.

But I would still like that moment of closure that I never got with most of them.

Also just a moment because I just don't trust them with my still fragile heart. My heart that is so much stronger than it was a year ago and still healing a bit more each day, but will never be rid of that large crack down the middle or the small fissures from putting it back together so many times. I'll never be the person I was a few years ago, but today, in this moment, is the closest I've felt in a long time. And tomorrow will be closer still.

I just want those who used to consider me a friend to see it, to be proud of what I've done for myself. To have that moment together to see what we used to be.

And let it just be.