Ode to a Shower Chair

I think you all know this by now, but I'm going to say it anyway.... I'm stubborn. Sometimes to a fault.

For the last four years, I have avoided getting a shower chair. It was that last bit of "normal" I wasn't quite ready to give up, I guess. I fully admitted I needed one and happily used the benches at hotels or friends' houses. I just couldn't bring myself to get one. Until I had to.

With my currently broken/sprained/torn foot and ankle, I told my doctor that showers were officially torture because standing was waaaaay too hard. She stared at me for a moment before asking why I don't have a shower chair.... I didn't have a good answer so she thought it was money related, but I mentioned they were only about $30. Making it obvious I just didn't get one.

Then I told just the right friend when she asked how I was doing; she had a chair I could borrow for a while.. get me through this injury and hopefully convince my stubborn brain that this is best for me.

Well... a few weeks later and I'm convinced. I no longer dread taking a shower or wonder if I should just sit down in the tub or negotiate with my hip before, during, or after.

Still can't say I'm happy about it though, it feels too much like giving up. Just like when I got the crutches, which I still consider a necessary evil, I still wonder if I was right to get them. But also if I was right to wait so long. To wonder what damage I could have caused or saved. To admit that less stubborn voice in my head was right, after all.

That voice that apparently knows what's best for me, but has to give me time to accept it. Wether I like it or not!

A Peaceful Moment

I found this place quite a few years ago when I was having problems with my family. I would wander the Hayward and San Leandro shorelines for hours, just to avoid being at home. One day, I headed off the main path and found this. It's called Hayward Landing.. our very own glass beach. At first glance, everything was broken here and I felt like I fit in. I stood at that furthest point, practically in the water and just let the world continue on without me, watching the water rush by. When I finally looked around at shards of glass and broken pottery at my feet, I realized that nothing was broken here. All the pieces had become something new. A part of something new. Their edges had been smoothed by their journey to this resting spot, and made it a peaceful place for me.

I eventually realized that I wasn't broken either. I was just still working on some of my edges.

My runs after work took me here, either to pass by with a smile or to stop for a moment and let the peace wash over me again. I came here to say goodbye to my aunt since I couldn't make it to the funeral. When I had to stop running, I still walked here for as long as I could.. then found a shorter path when I couldn't anymore. And it took a few weeks to finally go, but the first time I pushed myself out there with Saber was to say goodbye to my brother; I pushed as far as I could, then walked out to that point to let the water rush past me again. I was even surrounded by a small flock of birds that I am convinced were just for me.

Today was the first time I had been out in quite some time... I've been feeling unsettled lately and something inside said this was the solution. I can't go out nearly as far as before, but there's still something peaceful about sitting as far out as possible and letting the world pass me by. To watch the water rush past. To look at the pieces that have found a new home. A new place to belong. At least for the moment.

And once again, I realized that I'm not quite as lost as I feel. That I'm simply trying to settle into a place where I truly belong.