Maybe it's just in your head...

I'm going to be blunt.. if you ever come up with this brilliant suggestion, keep it to yourself. Lock it up inside and never actually voice it unless you have specific training and/or knowledge to identify it.

If you know someone with chronic pain or someone that's been having trouble getting diagnosed, I can guarantee you they've thought it. They've heard it. They've been suspected of it. They've maybe even hoped, if only to have an answer. And even if it is true, the pain is still very real to them; one condition is called somatoform disorder... yes, I've looked it up!

I'll be honest, every time I leave another doctor's appointment with more questions than answers or hear that the last test or x-ray says I'm fine, I wonder. Is it in my head? Can I walk on my own? Can I give up the wheelchair, the cane, the crutches? Am I creating this mystery condition on my own? And can I make it go away? That's usually where it stops... can I make it go away? No. I can pretend like I did for years. I can fake it. I can insist I can do all the things everyone else is doing, only to go home and suffer alone. Simply for the sake of having participated with everyone else. The only difference in the last few years is I refuse to do that anymore; I still participate, but I do it my way. With people who are happy to support me.... and chase me down hills, and profess their surprise (and love!) of my wheelchair and placard privileges, and want to see and experience how I play my sports, and so many other things I never would have never known if I hadn't finally admitted that this is who I am. This condition (whatever it is) is a part of me.

So why the request to keep it to yourself?

Because it hurts.

It reenforces those questions and makes them stronger. Makes it harder to deny them the next time they pop up. It makes me wonder longer. It makes that little piece of limbo a little more torturous. It makes my resolution that I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing a little less stable. It makes me less likely to admit or accept the help that I need.. and we all know how unlikely that is already.

Most of all, it implies a lack of belief in me and what I'm going through, what I live through each day. In many ways, it also trivializes it.... because of course it's just that simple!

Also because it upsets me. Pisses me off, really.

My imagination is vivid. I could come up with something SO much better than not being able to walk and being in constant pain. Something that would keep me out of spotlights and doctors' offices.. two of my most hated things ever (although I will admit, my current round of doctors are some of the best I've had in a long time).

*Disclaimer; don't stop trying to help.. just stick to what you know!

Out Of The Box!!

I have never been one for new year's resolutions, they just seem like an empty promise to myself fueled by that image of starting a new chapter... having a clean slate of a new year. Besides, I hardly stick to the short goals, so a year-long one is merely a fool's dream.

I prefer to reflect, which led me to realize my circle has moved in tighter once again and I hardly even noticed this time. I also realized that it really is my fault that this happened. My fault because I changed. I grew. I stopped trying to fit myself to the image others wanted me to be. By the end of 2015, I had decided to let go of everything and everyone that was toxic, to figure out what would make me happy again. And it seems that I was rather successful at this.

For the first time in many years, I have decided who I was and fought against the boxes some were trying to fit me into.. gravitating towards those that simply love me for being me. I backed away from those that kept putting up those walls, trying to trap me in, but giving up when they realized I had escaped their grasp. And simply couldn't be bothered to stay in one spot long enough to catch up with me.

I realized this because I do still have contact with some, just not the same relationship as before, and I noticed how the same they still were. The difference was me; I didn't agree with them, I didn't think their jokes were funny anymore, I didn't like their attitude, and I had no desire to start a conversation.

I grew up being controlled by everyone around me and trying to please others while not expecting it for myself, so I easily fall into that type of relationship. It's too natural for me and I don't realize it until it's too late. So I'm very proud that my natural state this year was to stay away from those types of people. To quietly back away and let them find someone else for their box. Someone else to be who they needed, so I could do the same.

And thank you to all of you that simply skip down the road with me and/or let me do my own thing, encouraging the simple joys I'm able to afford myself in the hopes that I spread that same joy to those around me.

Ah yes, this day was FULL of skipping!!! <3