I'm often quickly labelled as fiercely independent. Pretty much from the beginning. And I am.. but that doesn't mean I don't need help sometimes; usually to save me from myself.
I grew up in family that didn't ask for help, didn't offer help, and rarely turned down a request for help. This turned me into the person that's right at the front when there's a call for help, but otherwise unsure of what to do until that call comes... and hiding off to the side as I try to figure something on my own rather than asking for help. It took me a long time to figure out how to ask, and even longer to learn to say these words out loud: can I help?
I still struggle with it every day; I get propelled forward by positive experiences and knocked back by the negative. I don't understand social interactions and so I file away experiences to refer back to, but I have a bit of a habit to think everyone will react that way and/or that person will react the same way each time. Something I also work on each day.
I have a much different perspective now... and it's different still depending on which mobility aid I'm using; wheelchair, crutches, cane. People may not realize it, but they're all viewed differently, which is understandable as each one has its own benefits and struggles. The thing is, I'm treated extremely differently with each one. I got into a very telling conversation with a group of friends recently, but I want to tell you two quick stories first..
-While using my wheelchair, I was opening a door when I realized someone was running towards me to help me with it. I continued on and was about to go through it when they got to me and held it for me. He was a bit disappointed at my simple thank you rather than one for his perceived herculean effort.
-This time I was on my crutches; after a long day/week, I had a grocery bag hanging from a handle of one crutch and then I dropped the other one. Having extra problems with my hip, it was a fight to try to get to it. I was stared at in the struggle and only when they realized I was crying, I was offered help. At that point, I had gotten my hand on the crutch, I was upset, and it felt like pity, so I denied the help and went on my way.
The discussion actually started because of the first story. We had started talking about both sides of the coin in how some people get upset when offered help, which has made people afraid to offer. One person, who is able-bodied and seems to be new in helping with adaptive sports, made the comment that it's important to help others, but also to accept help and be gracious in acceptance. Another, who is able-bodied and has been helping in adaptive sports for at least a few years, said that it's not that simple; accepting help graciously is important, but there's a line in the disabled community where we need to show that we can do for ourselves and we should be able to do so. I agreed and added that I thank everyone that offers me help, wether I accept it or not. The rest of the group, who were not very familiar with those that have a disability, were blown away... they openly admitted that wasn't something they would think about. And this was a group that goes around to teach anyone that wants to learn. So you can only imagine what I experience each day.
I told them that despite whatever disability we have, we still want to be as independent as possible, we want to try new things, and we want to be treated as the person we are rather than the disability we have. They had been great in asking each of us how best to help, in listening to each of us, in wanting to learn from us as well... and I made sure they knew that I wish everyone treated us that way.
I also shared some ground rules for helping.. now don't take these as a general rule (unless it's me since I made them up!), be sure to ask!
-Common courtesy rules always apply! Hold that door open for the next person, wether or not they're in a perceived role that you think demands it. And if someone holds a door open for you, freaking thank them! Do not take this moment to lecture them on abilities or feminism or whatever else.
No comments:
Post a Comment