Not Afraid Anymore..

I am often regarded as an inspiration, a shining example, someone to look up to, and other titles I don't always feel I deserve. Don't get me wrong, I agree with the whys; always trying new things and excited to do so.. even trying to pull others with me. I just don't feel like anything special for doing these things, especially since it took a wheelchair to get me here. I'm going to be really honest here...

I used to be afraid of fucking everything.

Afraid to fail and to succeed, afraid of a crowd and of being alone, worrying about what others thought of me or that no one thought of me at all. I hated going out into social situations, but didn't want to stay home by myself. I feared getting called on to speak in class and, even worse, to read out loud. I worried about why I always felt the need to be moving, but was more afraid to call attention to myself by causing trouble, so I found quiet ways to fidget. I hated trying new things, but got bored so easily. And so many other things.... if you want to put a label on it, I have an anxiety disorder along with undiagnosed dyslexia and adhd. As a child I was simply labelled shy.

Near the end of high school, I grew tired of the limitations being "shy" gave me, so I decided to change and was fueled on by starting college; a place where no one knew me, had no expectations, and I could be whatever I wanted. It was rough, but I learned to speak up, to express my opinions (then learned to tone down the harshness just a bit), to push the limits of my comfort zone, and embrace my need for constant movement.

A year after graduating college, I had my second knee surgery and was told I had to think like I had limited miles on my knee. I went the opposite direction my doctor expected; I threw myself into an unknown social situation by signing up to train for my first half marathon with the American Heart Association. This began my journey into being active, but I was still cautious about pushing my limits, both physically and mentally.

Eight years later, I found myself in a wheelchair... but also part of two great communities; the trail running community that I was already a part of and were ready and willing to support my new endeavors, and the wheelchair community that I was new to and excited to show me all the things I could still do. They are the real inspirations. My friends that chose to experience these changes with me. The strangers, turned friends, that caught me right at the beginning to tell me there were so many awesome things to discover, and the ones that keep that juggernaut going.

You see, I try new things because I feel like I wasted so much time. I was afraid for so long. I missed so much in that fear; the foods I could have tried, the friends I could have had, the things I could have tried, the experiences I could have, well.. experienced. Instead of living in the could haves, I choose to live now and try whatever I come across. And that excites me. That's not to say I'm not afraid anymore, I just fear missed opportunities more now.

Plus I've made friends that make social situations less overwhelming for me, are willing to let me make/help me fix my mistakes, and are far too awesome to let me weigh myself down with worrying thoughts. The new things I try are way too fun to pass up, and I have grown to love the challenges they present. In recognizing the anxiety, dyslexia, and adhd, I have found better ways to adapt and adjust. And, did I mention it's a lot more fun to do things than to worry about them...?

Most of all, I want to be able to look back and say "yep, I tried that!"