I Am Enough

I have recently run into some old friends... it's an interesting thing because I realized I have two kinds of old friends at this point; those I simply lost touch with and loved to see again, and those that stepped away when I needed them the most and have no desire to see them again.

I saw a friend I lost touch with and we picked up recounting the things we've missed in each other's lives, discovering our paths have brought us both to a more active lifestyle. It was fun to show each other pictures and talk about the things we've been doing and how we've grown. We had lost touch before I went into the wheelchair, so I explained that along with the things I've been doing; she focused on my smile and my accomplishments, congratulated me on the things I've done. Proud that I pushed forward.

And then there was a friend that quietly walked away as I dealt with so much loss, claiming I wasn't the same person or everything I was going through was too much for them. There was no catching up, there were no pictures. There was a question; how did we lose touch and why didn't you call? The question was aimed at me and felt like an accusation. How? Quite honestly, you walked away when I had no fight left and probably didn't even notice. When I did notice, I wasn't quite me yet. And why? I didn't call because by the time I was me again I decided I didn't need you. You left me to fight my demons on my own, and now that they're "gone", you don't deserve to know the person I've become.

I keep this picture in my phone to remind myself how far I have come, both mentally and physically. The 2014 picture was taken about a year after I started using a wheelchair, the 2017 picture was taken  about a year after I finally took some control over what I was doing. I went from skinny arms and no chest to becoming quite muscular. From being happy to just keep moving to moving with a purpose. From one sport and drowning in it to discovering so many sports, making new friends, and finding what I truly love doing. Most importantly, I went from tagging along behind everyone's suggestions and pushes to carving my own path. Unapologetically. And triumphantly.

You see, my demons will never be entirely gone. I will have bouts of depression, doubt, and anxiety. I will miss using my legs. I will let grief wash over me, or succumb to it at unexpected times. I will throw tantrums about my medical world and wish I could just take a break.

I'm also going to share my triumphs and encourage others in theirs. I will do my best to keep a smile and a hug on hand for those who need it. I will be proud of myself in my improvements and happy to share them.

Those that are still in my little world are those that are ready to handle both, and should expect the same from me. Those that avoid the bad and just come in for the good are not welcome. And that may be my biggest change yet... realizing that I am enough. I am worthy of sharing all of me, not just what I think others want to see.