Don't Give Me Time

 Don't give me time to realize I don't need you. You won't win me back.

Years ago, as I was mourning the initial loss of leg function, then my brother, then essentially my world imploding, I lost a lot of people. At first I grasped onto them as I just couldn't lose anymore, but I was losing my footing in the storm. And then I just stopped fighting because I realized I was in the wrong battle.. I was fighting for others instead of myself. And in losing so much within 2 two years, I learned that the most important thing I had to hold onto was myself.

So I simply sat down and let the flood wash over me. I let everyone go. Some ran as fast as they could in the other direction, some quietly walked away. But the strongest of them stood at the edges and helped calm the flood; they were the ones that were there with a hand to help me up when I felt strong enough to fight again. They were the ones that cheered for me when I stood on my own, when I started over rather than try to rebuild what was. In coming years, as I saw some that left, blame was placed on me... why didn't I reach out when I was okay again? The answer was simple; I realized I didn't need you.

That lesson became essential. I used to chase after relationships, became upset when they weren't what I wanted or needed. Now, I realize it is what it is... we're guests in each other's lives and provide or receive something in particular with each relationship. It may or may not be equal, the benefits may be found years later, but we all serve a role.

I'm in that place again as I lose more function. People are walking away. Instead of grasping, I'm learning to fill the void they leave. What role did they play? How did they make things better and how can I do that for myself? What tools or lessons did they leave me? Or did they even make things better? Am I better off without them? Or somewhere in the middle.. do I need them as much as I think I do?

Now, I'm not saying constant contact is crucial (please don't!), but don't be surprised that we've both changed and the relationship is different. That's actually a sign of a healthy relationship... we're supposed to change and evolve. We're supposed to support each other in that, not hold each other back.