My nerves are good!

Back in October, I went to the neurologist:
Doctor Update: Saw the Neurologist last week... she wasn't very nice (very to the point and refused to smile), but she was thorough. After an hour and a half of questions and an examination, she very adamantly stated my problem probably isn't neurological. I have an EMG scheduled in December to confirm. Still waiting on a rheumatology appointment. Aaaaaand after giving seven vials of blood for tests a week and a half ago, turns out I'm vitamin D deficient, which is both an aggravator of my symptoms and a symptom itself. I'm now talking a vitamin D supplement.

A couple days before Christmas, I had the EMG. This doctor was very nice... he asked his questions, then got me on the table. Basically the first part of the test is he put a pad in various areas, then zapped me in various other areas to test how my nerves are working. He tested my leg and my arm (just in case my shoulder problems are connected). After zapping me quite a few times, he said I was one of the calmest patients he has ever had and that I tolerated the shocks very well... so I asked him if I should start screaming (apparently he does have that happen quite a bit). He then tested my back just to make sure the problems aren't originating there. Have I ever mentioned my back is pretty ticklish? The first time he touched me and I pretty much jumped against the wall, I informed him of this. His comment was that it wouldn't last long. And my reply was "no, no, getting that tattoo on my back was quite the adventure until I was able to block the whole thing out".

Then came the needle. And I asked if this was where I should start screaming. He said some people like the needle better than the shocks or the other way around. I'm not sure "like" would be the word I would use, but to each his own. Turns out I handle the needle just as well as the shocks, but it was strange.... the needle seemed to measure almost the frequency my nerves give out as I move. It wasn't exactly music, but it was kind of like putting the needle down on a record player.

In the end, as he was typing out the report, his conclusion was the same as the neurologist; my nerves are not the problem. The official conclusion is "Normal EMG of LUE and LLE without evidence of radiculopathy, thoracic outlet, nerve compression, or myopathy". In other words, the only the problem he could report was that I'm very ticklish... but he said I cancelled that out since I barely even moved whenever he zapped me ;)

He was also nice enough to confirm that my rheumatology appointment is still pending.. unfortunately the computer doesn't say how far back in the line I am, but now I need to get back to my regular doctor to discuss this and see how the Vitamin D thing is going. Hopefully, he can light a fire under the appointment or at least get a bit more information.

On a side note: I know this doesn't sound like good news, but it really is. 1) it's another cross off the list, and rather definitively. 2) I really didn't want it to be the nerves as that can be the cause or symptom of some very bad things.. or cause something worse down the line as the nerves degenerate even more.

And I needed this win right about now. So even better!

Rise Again and Fight

I started this year lost and with a broken heart... then just a few months in, what was left of my foundation all but crumbled. And I wandered. I floundered. I lost my fight.

But I rose again. I stood up and fought back. Only to have my world shatter again. And again. And again. In smaller pieces each time, but no less devastating to my already fragile psyche. I was running out of the glue that held me together. I was letting people I care about push me away... yet I gripped tighter so I would not lose anything else, until I realized it wasn't doing any good; I couldn't let anyone care about me and hurt me at the same time. Not now. So I stood up one more time.

For myself. Against myself.

It was time to take my choices back. Those choices I learned as a teenager; I choose to have a good day, I choose to smile instead of cry or yell, I choose how I react to how people treat me, I choose what is going on with my legs, I choose to keep moving forward.

Many months ago, I consciously began to heal. I made better choices for myself; where I lived, how I worked, who I spent time with, how I looked at the world around me.

A few months ago, I decided the limbo with my legs was unacceptable. I can only push the medical system so much, but I can at least dwindle my options. The crutches had to go. I went back to my cane and started using my wheelchair a bit more and it seems to be working better for me. The limp is still rather horrible, but I also do okay with my refusal to use a wheelchair while at home (or in familiar homes).

A couple months ago, I was fed up with how some people were treating me and with how I was reacting to it (the aforementioned gripping tighter), so I chose to speak up and sometimes even walk away. I do still hope some relationships can heal with some time away, but others seem to have left for good. After doing this many years ago, I do know that some people were only meant to be in my life for a certain amount of time and I will be better off without the hurt.. but that knowledge doesn't really make it hurt any less right now.

So I move forward, and I do it for myself.

I finally feel like I have my control back, my choices, my fight. I'm still a work in progress and I'll never be the same person I was, but I'm doing better. I'm more ready with a smile. I enjoy trying new things again. I'm better at taking care of myself. I'm glad to have learned the things I learned. I just don't ever want to relive the year 2014.... it was a tough year; a lot of good things happened, but overall it was just too much for one year and I don't want do it anymore. I look forward to 2015 and hope for better things on the horizon. I believe in those better things more than I did at this time last year because I feel hopeful rather than hopeless. At that makes next year better already.

A letter to someone I thought I knew

To my friend,

Yes, I do still consider you a friend.. at least the person I thought I knew. The person that last stood in front of me was not the friend that I loved, the friend I spent so much time with, the friend that I gave so much to. It was alarming seeing the shell of that person. Even worse, it broke my heart to realize that nothing I did would bring you back. If I'm honest with my myself, we began walking in different directions long before I realized it. Back when you were reassuring me that everyone that was walking away from me would regret it. You built me up, you gave me confidence, you inspired me to be better. And right when I needed you the most, you were the one that walked away.... I think that hurt more than anything else.

You said I had taken advantage and only thought of myself. You said I didn't care about anyone else around me. You said it was all my fault. You excused away every moment that I had tried to get through to you again. You said you gave up a while ago. You said I am the one that changed and that you were done with the person I had become.
  You were one of the few people that I have fully trusted in my life and you tossed that aside like it didn't matter. The last few times I saw you, you brought back that little girl that was convinced that I just had to do one thing right to make you love me again.... then the angry, rebellious teenager that decided even you didn't know what that one thing was, so I needed to protect myself by walking away and letting us both figure out what we needed for ourselves.

I am writing this letter today to say that it is time to take a good look at yourself. Find your way through the excuses and the blame to really look. We had equal parts in the turn that we took. All the things you saw in me, I saw in you. We had probably been projecting these things back and forth on each other to the point that we couldn't see the person underneath the blurred vision. Even now, you are a negative thought in my head. I question each memory, wondering if you really enjoyed that day or that moment; or if you thought of it bitterly, even at that time. Regardless, I find myself grasping onto those good times in order to hold onto the person I loved. In my struggles, I still hear you cheering me on or cheering me up.. and then I fight to keep that positive tone from being covered up by negative.

I'm writing this letter today to tell you that I will be stronger because of you, or maybe in spite of you. You caused a lot of damage (and I'm sorry for any damage I caused along the way), but I will heal. I will be the person I want to be, not the person you were trying to create. I will keep searching for that piece of brightness in my day, that unconditional piece of light that you used to give me. That smile out of nowhere. That small push that left me thinking I could conquer anything.

I am almost positive you won't read this letter, but in the slim chance that you do... can I have a hug? The old kind that told me you were glad to see me or sorry to see me go, the kind I was glad to reciprocate, rather than the recent kind that felt like a goodbye every time.

Wine & Dine.. no more running in the rain!

After cheering for some friends at Disney's Wine & Dine Half Marathon last year, I was determined to join in the fun this year. Due to my current financial situation, it really came down to the wire, but I got to go! I watched the weather reports all week and the threat of rain kept creeping closer and closer to the half marathon, so I went on a search for something to make my rims and gloves sticky. I got lucky with a store in the area, but didn't have any time to test it before we left so I decided to try it out during the 5K and hope for the best.

I travelled with my Rabbit and Turtle friends... we flew in Thursday, went to the expo Friday and to Hollywood Studios for a bit. I needed to upgrade my pass to the Premier so I went to Guest Relations outside the park and made the Cast Member's day as she doesn't get to see that pass very often. She was also nice enough to give me a DisneyWorld DAS card right there... I had brought my Disneyland one because it makes the process faster for them to see that I have had one already; she said the park codes didn't work together, but it was good enough to see my other one. We didn't stay long since we had to get up early and stay up late the next day.

I had talked to a RunDisney rep a couple weeks before the race and I was given all the information about my transportation and where to go at the race, and where to go when I finished. For both races, I was to go to the information tent and there would be someone to help me. For the 5K, I handed Saber over to the volunteers there and was directed where to go by a RunDisney employee; she had told the volunteers guarding Corral A to watch for me and let me and my friends in right before the masses. Of course, pictures happened....

A very nice volunteer took this picture for us

I was the only wheelchair for the 5K, so I started with a bike escort, but she left me when the first place runner passed by. I think either I had blocked out the terrain in Animal Kingdom or my lack of training made it seem worse, but I didn't feel like I was doing very well until a Rabbit passed by and proclaimed I was farther along than when she passed me last year. Not that I felt much better after that, but it was good to hear. Soon, a Turtle passed me as well, but I made sure to keep him in sight... at certain points the Rabbit was still in sight as well. Once we hit the out and back, I moved much better and tried to catch up. I got close then lost him at the turnaround. With less than a mile left, I punched it to try to chase him down, but ended up right behind him at the finish.... and right in front of us the Rabbit got first place again! And the Turtle ended up with a PR!! I was just glad to finish ;)

After a stop at the hotel for showers, we decided to take the boat over to Magic Kingdom. We were staying the Wilderness Lodge and the boat is different from the others I've been on. This one they just load as many people into the seats as they can and fill the empty spaces with wheelchairs and scooters. I got into a side part since I could actually get in there, then ended up with a couple scooters in the aisle behind me. It made it rather interesting to get off since some of the scooter drivers weren't great at maneuvering in the tight area, but the Cast Members were great at helping everyone out.

  Inside the park, we went straight to the Seven Dwarfs Mine Train to get it written onto my DAS card.. the wait time was at an hour (hour and a half when we went back!). Of courrrrrrrrse Haunted Mansion was the first choice to go to while we waited, then Pirates and a bit of exploring, shopping, lunch, and wandering mixed in before we went back over. With the DAS, we entered through the FastPass line, then got directed to the wheelchair door. Take note, if you use a wheelchair I hope you like going fast because the wheelchair door puts you in the last car... it was fun though! That's the only spoiler I'm giving out for those that haven't ridden, but it's definitely a fun ride and you should try it. Aaaaaaaaaaand soon it was time to head back for a nap and dinner.

The Wine & Dine Half Marathon starts at 10pm, our shuttle was coming at 8pm. There were some problems getting to the race; our driver headed for the exit that was closed for the race so that was our first turnaround, then we were waved off at the shuttle entrance. The driver stopped after the turn when I told him we needed to go in with the other shuttles, and that forced someone to come talk to us. She told him to take us back to Epcot to catch a shuttle there, then argued with me when I told her we were in the shuttle we were supposed to be in. She quickly backtracked when I told her I was a wheelchair athlete and told the driver to go turn around and they would let us through.... they still tried to wave us off, but he insistent this time. We were a bit later than I would have liked so my Rabbit friend took our drop bags while my Turtle friend helped me get to the Information booth. During the races I have done in DisneyWorld with the wheelchair, we have made friends with the volunteers that are assigned to help us so I got hugs from them, plus the friends that were waiting to take pictures, aaaaaand another friend that stopped in to say hi before he headed to his corral. I got to talk to my hand cycling friend and meet a woman that was new to the hand cycle. We also got to talk to the Race Director for a bit before we all headed up to the start.

About 2 seconds after the start, it was raining.... and it lasted pretty much until after we left the after-party. I have never run in the rain in a wheelchair. I had put about six coats of the tackifying spray on my rims and my gloves (I had done two for the 5K and didn't notice much difference, so I just kept spraying before the half) and I had an excellent squeak with each hit, but I also had enough traction to keep going. My bike escort stayed with me the entire time for this race, making sure to tell me turns and to keep runners out of my path. After a couple miles, I basically had no brakes because everything was too wet. It made for a fun downhill with a turn at the end of it.... I almost slid off the course, but was able to save myself before it got entirely dangerous. My escort was sure to tell me about turns after that so I could slow down before I was going too fast to stop. I had told her about my Rabbit friend and how she kept convincing to sign up for these races, so when a Rabbit passed by with a cheer about me being Evel Kneivel then ran straight through a massive puddle, my escort proclaimed she liked her and could definitely be friends. 

  As we were headed towards Animal Kingdom, another hand cycling friend passed by; he hadn't made it to the start (we found out later he had the same shuttle problem I did, but later) so I was glad to see him. We had briefly met last year for the 5K, and I just happened to catch back up to him on the hill just inside Animal Kingdom... right about the same place as last year. I cheered him on and confirmed we had met there last year. We leap frogged for much of the race after that; he was faster pretty much everywhere except the uphills, so that's where I was able to catch up with him and cheer some more.

  I held onto my traction until a little after mile 11, which is also when my energy started to wain. And both were going down fast. My hands hurt from the different stroke and my lack of training from the shoulder problems were taking their toll. My escort had to make sure I didn't fall back on a couple hills, especially the one near the end, and then basically cheered me through Epcot until she broke away so I could head to the finish. On my own, I was only heading for my friends waiting for me and the promise of Saber and dry clothes. One of the guys that usually helps with the volunteers caught me (literally... no brakes, remember?) after crossing the finish to say hello, cover me with blanket, and hand me off to the volunteer there to escort me to the medical tent where a Rabbit, another volunteer, and Saber were waiting to help put me back together. After switching to Saber, they decided to pull me into the tent for a few minutes to get me out of the rain. When I turned around inside the tent, I saw that a Turtle had caught up as well. And well, my hands were purple. My gloves have never been wet before..... My volunteer got a medical guy to help and he had me clean my hands with hand sanitizer and paper towels. After three times, I proclaimed it good enough; "at least they're sanitized!" And then dry clothes called to all of us so we headed out. I gave my friends hugs, and followed the others to bag check and the changing tents. Whoever set up this area was mean; the changing tent was uphill. In the grass. A very nice gentleman helped me up to the entrance.

  Aaaaaaand into the party!! But it was wet and cold, so we got all the foods we had been dreaming of then headed off to bed.

We did stop by to pick up my award first... I had missed the ceremony in preference for cleaning my hands and getting into dry clothes, but there were still some people there and they were happy to load me down with all this stuff.

Sunday (after we finally emerged in the morning) and Monday were spent going to the parks, going to shows, playing miniature golf, figuring out how to walk to a couple parks from one of the hotels, finally getting onto Tower of Terror, and we maybe spent too much time in Dinosaur Land because for the rest of that day everything was an "-osaurus".... we also went back over to Epcot to make sure we didn't miss any food before the festival closed down. Monday night, the others went to the Christmas Party at Magic Kingdom, so I decided to go back to Hollywood Studios. I'm not a fan of Christmas, but one of the things I do still enjoy is Christmas lights and this was my last chance of the trip to sit and watch the Osbourne Family Dancing Christmas Lights. I found a clear area to sit for while, then took a break from the crowd to wander through the park and found Wandering Oaken's Trading Post; a Frozen store with a snowy play area behind it. I couldn't actually go into the snow play area.. well, I didn't have much interest to try to go into the snow, plus there was a line.. but it was cold enough back there that I'm pretty sure it was very snow-like. After the Magic Hours started up, I went back to the Christmas Lights to watch for a bit so I could avoid both closing crowds (I went back to the bus about halfway between the park close and the Magic Hours close). It was still crowded, but probably not as bad as it would have been. I ended up on the bus with another wheelchair, they usually put me in the forward wheelchair spot when this happens because I can maneuver really well. In this case it caused some problems because I was the first to get off and couldn't get past the other chair. Once I realized what the driver was implying, I stopped him from taking off the other chair so I could get out and told him I could just jump out the front door. He lowered the bus as much as he could and I jumped out to the cheers of the people waiting to get on the bus.

And they made it snow right as I got there!

Tuesday, we didn't have to go to the airport until mid-afternoon so we went to catch a bus.. Epcot pulled up as we were almost there so that's the park we chose. It was nice to see the place without all the Food & Wine Festival stuff and crowds, so we could actually go into the different countries and look around. And then, of course, is always the trip back home that no one actually wants to take.

The race was kind of horrible as my first run in the rain, but it was a good experience. While I'm sure it'll happen at some point again, I really don't want to run in the rain again. I'm glad I had my escort with me, a Rabbit to cheer as she flew by, and the comfort of a Turtle ready to help me if I was unable to push in the rain (he ended up getting a PR for the half too!!). And this race is crossed off the list I think.. definitely one to officially experience, but now I'm good. I may be convinced again in the future if only in the hopes of trying it without the rain..

Sitting Volleyball will kick your ass...

I will start with the coolest thing ever; I talked to/learned from a two-time Paralympic silver medalist aaaaaaaaand got to hold said medals!!

Now onto the rest..
A couple months ago, I saw a post for a clinic to learn how to play sitting volleyball. I didn't sign up right away because my shoulder was still angry and I was about to go to the neurologist, so I waited until after the appointment when I decided all bets are off.... I'm going to play or do whatever I want until the doctors decide to do something for me.

The clinic was hosted by the Riekes Center and Northern California Volleyball Association. They provided us with shirts (dually serving as an effective marketing tool as the clinic was videoed and photographed for the center), water bottles, and stickers. And also invited Paralympic athlete Katie Holloway, along with other coaches and professionals, to teach us.

The NCVA brought a group of their volleyball players to learn the different way to play and to fill out our numbers. At first, I was the only participant in a wheelchair (we got another person later), so I was the focus of the coaches before we got started; asking what I could and could not do, and what I was willing to try, and what worked and what didn't. I preferred to be in my chair when not required to be on the floor, but I wanted to participate as much as possible. Katie warned me I would probably be sore at the end of the day, and promised to let me know when I needed to be on the floor.

We started with the rule differences, then drills. First was moving forward then backward across the court by pushing with the arms and legs (or whatever worked), which is when I decided to take off my left shoe so I could drag that leg around easier. Next, we moved side to side, which is when I realized this was going to be a crazy workout for the next two hours. After we got the movement down, we paired off to start learning how to hit the ball. I partnered with a gentleman whom I believe is a physical therapy intern. We practiced the basics, then went on the move... hit up close, then move back to hit from far, then back; it was a lesson in keeping your hands on the floor in between hitting the ball in order to be ready to move when needed. We then partnered with someone on the other side of the net to try to get a volley going, then learning how to serve. I was never any good at serving.. and that hasn't changed, although I will say I was a little better from a sitting position, but that's not saying much. Katie and two of the other coaches helped to the point I could get it over the net and even keep it in the court, so I'm calling that good. I just hope to do it consistently one day. After a break, a setter sat by the net to hit the ball up for us to hit over the net; my first round, I sat by the net to hit, then for the next few I tried hitting on the move and did mostly okay.

When it was confirmed we survived all of that, they counted us off into two teams so we could play a game, or two. It was really great to put everything together and the girls from NCVA were really supportive. We even got to come up with a name for our team; mine was Butts Not Up (first thing we were taught was your butt must be on the floor to hit/block the ball.. when refs make that call, they look like they're doing the alligator dance). After each rally, we yelled out our cheer of "BNU" and clapped or hit the floor. It was a whole new game from the floor, but a lot of fun... and I think it was a great choice in my second team sport. Both games came down to the wire, but my team lost both.. and everyone on the teams proved their integrity once again as we went down the line to shake the other team's hands; I was still sliding along the floor because Saber was on the other side of the court and they made sure to reach all the way over the net so I could easily reach them.

The coach for each team chose their MVP and gave them a present, then Katie named the Most Spirited and the one that got the most Butt Up calls, and gave them presents as well.... then we got a big group picture. Our host from the Riekes Center then announced that their usual Saturday barbecuers were making extra to include us as well... and they gave Katie a Sharpie to sign our shirts if we wanted. Katie also announced that she had her medals for us to see and that she could use some help training if we wanted to come back on an upcoming Saturday. I hung back and ended up holding the medals for a while and also got to talk to Katie for a bit. She said I did pretty good and told me I looked pretty athletic... I told her I was having a lot of fun trying out new sports and this had been only my second team sport so far, which triggered my list of the things I do and have tried recently. After she signed my shirt, someone with a camera insisted we take a picture together (I'm hoping someone posts all the pictures soon so I can share!). I headed out to the barbecue to eat and talk with the girls I had just played with, who expressed how tired they were after all that. One thought she had made a mistake (marked by the side glance my way) by saying something about only using the upper body, but I smiled and agreed with her. I thanked the girls for playing with me, then talked to Katie one more time on my way out and promised to come train with her when I can.

I had to take an anti-inflammatory that morning and I made sure to wear my hip brace so I did pretty well sitting on the floor for the clinic. However, I held no fantasies that I wouldn't be sore later, especially with Katie's warnings. I was surprisingly fine.... until I sat on the floor later at home and "what the hell?!?!?!" I didn't even know that could hurt! I wasn't surprised by my arms, shoulders, and upper back. I waaaaaaaas surprised by the sides of my lower back, across the top/back of my hips, aaaaaaaaaand my gluteus hurt in a way I have never experienced. Not a horrible pain, just different. That was when I decided  have no ass.. no padding to protect me.

Rebellion

After a rough week, I decided to go for a hike on Sunday. By myself. Hadn't done that in a while..

I needed to climb something, so I went to Rock City at Mount Diablo. I had only been there once before; my rabbit friend took me after my MRI almost two years ago didn't reveal anything and my doctor had cleared me to try running with a brace. It was a celebration. It was a great day.. I got to climb many rocks, including the Sentinel at the end of the trail.

This was not a celebration. This was time to think. This was a moment to myself. This was a challenge. I had something to prove.

A nice Sunday meant there were families and groups there as well, but fortunately most didn't go the whole way out to the end.. although they had no problem staring at me as I continued on with my crutches. I climbed up and over rocks all the way out, but didn't stop to climb others to the side of the trail just yet. I had a goal first. When I got to the base of the Sentinel, I had to sit down for a while, which worked out well because there were some teenage boys up on top and I had arrived with a family, and I was happy to let them go first. By the time I felt able to head up, both groups were gone.

The Sentinel has stairs (kind of) and a cable "rail" to help you climb and make sure you don't fall off the side. At some point, I had decided it was easier/safer to let my crutches hang from my arms while I held onto the cable and the side of the rock. As I stepped up onto the top (and found a place to sit), I was quite proud of myself. This was why I was on my own, to prove that I could do this without someone cheering me on or promising to catch me if needed... without the safety net, so to speak.

I got comfortable and sat up there for quite some time, enjoying the view all around me, thinking about the things I needed to think about. When I felt a bit more peaceful, I headed down, but stopped about halfway down to sit on a bit of a ledge that you can climb to from the stairs. After enjoying the different view for a bit, I headed the rest of the way down and started the climb back to the trailhead, but explored some offshoots and climbed some new rocks on the way.

After getting stared at through the first part of the trail again, I sat in my car and ate some lunch before heading to another trail. Artists' Point (another gift from the Rabbit). I figured it would be much quieter over there, and I can't pass up this view...

I sat inside this rock for a few hours and stared at the view while I figured some things out. Number one being my hatred of the limbo that I have been living in.

Walk?
Wheelchair?
Crutches?

I cannot keep living with so many choices. I decided the most hated of those choices is my crutches. If I had the choice to just choose, they would be at the bottom of the list... I know this sounds strange, but I hate not having my hands free. Using the crutches means my legs don't quite work, but I'm also compromising my arms. It makes me feel like I can be less independent that way. So the crutches have been crossed off the list. I pulled my cane back out. It forces me walk as close to normal as I can, but still lends some support. and I feel less dependent when I use it.

This all means that when it comes down to it, I will either be able to walk or I will make the transition into the wheelchair. Most likely, unless the doctors or my body does something drastic, it will continue on as is; I will be able to walk with my horrible limp, but still need the wheelchair for longer distances or times. It's easier to accept with the cane instead of the crutches. It's easier to move forward. It helps to believe that this limbo isn't so all-encompassing as before. It's a situation I can accept if the doctors say they can help with some of the pain, but not fix me entirely.

It's a jump forward. After so many baby steps forward and back, it feels good to make the leap.

Although all those weakened muscles kind of hated me for a few days after the hike.... Pansies.

BORP Adaptive Sports Fest + a couple updates

Doctor Update: Saw the Neurologist last week... she wasn't very nice (very to the point and refused to smile), but she was thorough. After an hour and a half of questions and an examination, she very adamantly stated my problem probably isn't neurological. I have an EMG scheduled in December to confirm. Still waiting on a rheumatology appointment. Aaaaaand after giving seven vials of blood for tests a week and a half ago, turns out I'm vitamin D deficient, which is both an aggravator of my symptoms and a symptom itself. I'm now talking a vitamin D supplement.

Shoulder Update: It seems to be usable again... a few weeks ago, I designed a bike jersey using the logo from the Accessible Icon Project and I had promised them a picture when I got the jersey. Of course that meant I should go for run! I went out for 30 minutes; my shoulder was tired and the uphills weren't so good, but no severe pain as before (the last 30 minute run put me in the ER).

Now... onto the main event! I signed up for the BORP Adaptive Sports Fest at their adaptive cycling center, where all participants could sign up for cycling, kayaking, or climbing. I signed up for all three. Of course. I signed up for climbing first... then kayaking, then cycling.

Climbing: I was most excited for this since I hadn't done it yet, so as soon as they signed me in and I said hi to the few people I knew, I headed around back to the wall. The wall and adaptive gear were designed and brought in by Mark Wellman (1st paraplegic to climb Half Dome and lots of fun to talk to). When my turn came up, I was helped by Wes... after I told him one leg works, one leg doesn't, I can stand, and my upper body is pretty strong, he put me in a harness; he said it was basically a rescue harness so it was a seat, but not entirely supportive. They had a more supportive seat for those that needed it. My climb with the harness was with a bar and I did pull-ups until I could hit the bell. He had put me on a 3:1 (next time I see him, he's putting me on a 2:1), so I was pulling a third of my weight and I did it pretty well.

Then we headed around the side and he sent me up the flatter side of the wall. I was quick with this one as well, so Wes proclaimed we were "going around the world with this one!" and Mark said I looked great!

And so I headed up the side that had some bumps to go over. I got stuck about halfway up... with Wes's help, I made it a little further then took a rest. He tried to help me again, but the problem was I couldn't get my left leg to where I needed it and told him I needed to come down. With an hour left before my kayaking time, I wandered around, talked to some new people, got a BORP hat from Greg (head of the cycling center), and offered my help at registration.

Kayaking: Since I have some experience, they put me in kayak and pushed me into the water. BORP has an adaptive dock; the kayak is brought up on some rollers so we can board whichever way is comfortable (I prefer throwing myself over, but there's also a seat to move from, which also can be pulled out over the kayak), then the kayak is pushed into the water, where there's some bars to get your balance before you're on your own. My first kayak was a wide sit-on-top... I found it a bit too easy too steer, but very stable. I was told to use less strength, but even though I got better at it by the time I was headed back in, I much prefer the kayaks I usually use. I got to the dock and floated around until it was my turn to come up.. this was when I learned I was only supposed to go about halfway out on the lake (I had gone almost to the end). I learned this when I heard Greg say "Kerry's a rebel, she probably went to the end!"

If you look really close, I'm on the dock in front of the yellow kayak telling the volunteer I don't want the tippier kayak

When I was first talking to the volunteers, they wanted to put me in a closed kayak, but had scared me off when they said it was tippier than I'm used to. While I was waiting to be pulled in, I decided I wanted to try it so they happily switched boats for me and threw me back in the water. This time I only went halfway out, but mostly because the extra balancing hurt my hip. As soon as I told them that, they got me out pretty quick. I then headed to lunch! The sponsors for the event, Apple West Home Medical Supply, provided burritos for all participants.... and I found more people to talk to for a while.

Cycling: This is where I usually go hand cycling, so this was just a bonus.. especially since I haven't been able to go much since I moved farther away. They put me in a racing cycle and I zipped around the lake, but didn't want to push my luck with my shoulder. Yet.

Climbing Rematch: After getting out of the hand cycle and talking to some more people, I went back to the climbing wall. I had intended to just watch, but then I asked the volunteer if I could be put on the list if there was time. Later, Mark and Wes announced they would stay until they were done, so when they had gotten through everyone else, Wes came over and asked if I wanted another workout. I told him I wanted a rematch with the wall. He hooked me up, we talked strategy, then I headed up... I got stuck about the same place again, but Wes helped me get a bit farther before I needed to rest. When I got back on the wall, I saw how close the bell was. I believe I yelled at it... then made it up the last two feet and rang the damn bell to many cheers from the ground. After coming down, I stayed by the wall for a bit, got a poster signed by Mark, then headed out.

There weren't many people left, so I ended up talking to a small group for a bit before heading to my car. I had gotten there at 10am and left at about 6pm... I got home about 7pm, so after eating a quick dinner and taking a shower, I went to bed. This morning, I woke up with a new pain; soreness! Yeah, the usual creakiness was still there and my leg (mostly my hip) hurts from using it more than I should have on the wall, but I am sore in places I forgot I had... and that made me smile this morning. And my shoulder still seems to be good! The only pill I have taken today is the vitamin D.

I call that quite the victory. Where's my bell? ;)


On a side note: I made a new friend, the founder of LYDO (Live Your Day Overcoming), committed to helping everyone see the positive in each day. Still working on getting myself back to the eternal optimist I had been, it was really good to talk to someone else that has that same mindset; each day we wake up is already a good day. Check out the organization... I think it's gonna be big =)

Wheelchair Lacrosse & the Medical Anomaly

Since Dumbo, I haven't been training much in an effort to get my shoulder to calm down. Nothing was helping; it would get better and then get worse again. I asked the Ortho about it, but he didn't want to do anything because of his suspicions about my leg.. he wanted to wait until I see those other doctors (more on that later). Last Saturday, I spent most of the day on my crutches and felt pretty good after, so I went for a 30 minute run with Tsunami Monday morning. It didn't feel great, but not too bad.... but the sharp pain came back and got worse throughout the day until about 8pm when I suddenly lost strength. And I was off to the ER.

I told the doctor about the muscle spasm and that I just needed a trigger point injection, but I was told they couldn't do that in the ER.... so they gave me a shot for the pain and sent me home with a prescription for a muscle relaxer (it was past midnight and I didn't want to stay long enough to wait for a sedating shot to wear off enough to drive) and something for the pain. Tuesday was a drugged up blur of naps. Wednesday and Thursday were better and I got to spend some time with some of my favorite people, plus a job interview/meeting! Friday, I went to the doctor for a check up from the ER.

She went through my records and found that the referrals for neurology and rheumatology hadn't been done, so she did it. Then actually explained why she wouldn't do the trigger point injection, gave me real advice on how to manage the shoulder, and gave me different drugs that would also allow me to function. Basically, the fear is I have reflexive dystrophy (which is a condition of "intense burning pain, stiffness, swelling, and discoloration" and is still very much a mystery, so the cause usually listed is a "short circuit" in the nerves... which would nicely round out my title of medical anomaly) and if I do and they give me the shot, it could potentially kill my arm because of the over-reactions the condition causes. So I spent the rest of Friday trying out the new medicine, along with heating, stretching, and foam rolling.

I had to because Saturday I was signed up for a Wheelchair Lacrosse clinic with the Challenged Athletes Foundation and I really wanted to play! The medical gods seemed to smile on me Saturday morning... I had woken up in the night and needed to take more medicine, but in the morning it wasn't so bad. I left after taking just an anti-inflammatory and a pain pill. By the time I got to the clinic in San Jose, I was doing really well and got even more distracted meeting lots of fun, new people. While we were suiting up, I had forgotten all about my shoulder. We spent about an hour learning about the game, then throwing and catching, which caught onto pretty quick and was able to utilize the advice from both coaches and the guys that had played before. After a water break, we did some moving catches and taking shots at the goal. During lunch, I had planned to take another anti-inflammatory, but I didn't even think about it until we were back in the rink and it was a fleeting thought.

A stick, armor, and a battle chair... bring it on!!

We only had ten people playing at this point (we had lost a couple during lunch), but we decided to do a half court scrimmage so those of us that were new to the game could get a feel for how it was played. I was taught pretty early on in life to trust sports equipment and my own reflexes, so I had no problem heading right into the fray... especially with the coach on my team encouraging me and throwing out advice as we went. I got into a few battles for the ball, took a hit to the chest, and even scored a goal! One of our cheerers (who knew the game) questioned my beginner status when we were done playing, the coach on my team and one of the other guys called me a natural. It's been a long time since I played a team sport, and this was the first time in a wheelchair. It was a good feeling to be back in the environment, to work with the others, to cheer and be cheered on for something as simple (or hard) as catching a ball.. all the way to being able to put everything together in a game, and fist bumps for reaching mutual goals. While I do enjoy the solo sports in that I rely on myself and push my own limits, it's good to have that time to work with others and have the mutual encouragement, team goals, and pushing each other's limits.

At the end of the day, I went home with some CAF gear (and information) and a Lacrosse Wheelchair USA shirt... and I could turn my head with no pain, there was no sharp pain shooting down my shoulder blade, and the muscle weakness in my arm wasn't nearly as noticeable. While I did get some heat on my shoulder, I didn't have to take anymore drugs for the day... I did take an anti-inflammatory today though, just in case.

My awesome new shirt one of the coaches gave me... he apologized for only having an XL, but I'm good with it ;)

All cleaned up, fed, and tired at the end of the day!

Aaaaaaand all the cool CAF stuff I came home with

Doctor Update: Still In Limbo

I went to my new doctor with this on my iPad... it definitely got some attention. The nurse practitioner that came in first and asked what was going on, so I handed over my iPad. Her eyes got wide and she told me I was quite prepared, then went on to ask more questions and examine my legs. She quickly discovered that her scrap of paper she brought in for notes wasn't going to cut it, but she squeezed in what she wanted on both sides.

The doctor came in next, said he had been updated on my symptoms and asked for a quick history... it's kind of fun to sum up 20 years of medical problems into a paragraph, but at least he was fully engaged in listening. He asked his own questions, confirmed the lumbar MRI showed nothing, and did his own exam, then said I was a big question mark. He wanted to shoot my hip, said I should be doing physical therapy, and decided to send me to neurology and rheumatology. I told him the last shot into my hip was horrible, and I preferred going to the other doctors before trying physical therapy again. He countered by saying physical therapy is something I should be doing at all times, not necessarily going to a therapist... and added that relying only on physical therapy at this point would be bullshit.

I can't tell you how hard it was not to announce my new idea for a Doctor Royal Rumble; first match, the guy that claimed tight hamstrings, the guy that claimed I needed stronger quads, the lady that wanted a different kind of physical therapy to "even me out", and the guy that just basically said all of those theories are bullshit!

But anyway....
Two new doctors! Basically, he says I have too many conflicting things going on for my problem to be strictly structural, so he wants a neurologist and a rheumatologist in on the game because there's got to be something going on inside that is pretty much negating any help that should have worked already. And I'm "too young to resort to a wheelchair for joint pain and/or arthritis", especially since I lost most of my strength while still keeping my legs active.

I'm calling this one a step forward, and I'm hoping at least one of the new doctors can keep it going!

Kayaking as a metaphor...

I went kayaking this morning and had a moment where I realized two things... first, I had taken a big step and second, that step led me to feeling like that's how my last couple years have been.

Let me back up a bit. The place where I go kayaking starts in an enclosed, calm marina. The first time I rented a kayak, the guy told me I should head to the right as soon as I could... that leads into the lakes and is relatively calm. He then warned me that if I went out straight, I would go right into the river, where the currents can get pretty rough. Over the last few months, I have always headed to the right and wandered around the lake, occasionally heading into the river a bit to test the currents. Today, something compelled me to head directly to the river. I fought the currents, I rolled with them, I eventually used them to make it back into the lake. That's when I had the moment...

Right here...

I was sitting there watching the sun shine on the water, still rolling on the currents (you can't tell in the picture, but the front of the kayak isn't actually touching the water) and I thought about what I had just done.

I was recently accused of saying "I can't" far more often than I used to, and a lot of that is coming from the increased pain, but also from my learning to push those boundaries on my own. Growing up, there are a lot of stories of my mom hearing my brother announcing "that's awesome!" and coming out to see that I had climbed something tall, or me doing something because I was told "girls can't do that". I didn't realize how much my brother had shaped who I was until losing him made my whole world shatter, and I found myself relearning these things as I picked up the pieces. Learning these things as a child was easy... I was learning everything at the time, I was invincible, and I had someone  with me (who was a bit ahead, but still learning himself). While I have the support of those around me, I'm on my own this time. No one else is on this path with me, I'm just trying to get back on my feet, and I suddenly have a huge mistrust of invincibility.

So last night, I decided I was going kayaking no matter what my body said this morning. And once I was on the water, I headed directly into the river. Like my last two years, it was a little crazy.. one wave after another hit the kayak and I almost rolled a couple times, but I hung on. I made it to the point where I usually access the river and headed into the lake, still rolling on the currents. It takes some distance for the water to calm... I'm in this distance somewhere in my own life. I took the hits and now I'm trying to make it to the calmer area.

I've been held back for various reasons and my own various thoughts. But I'm also learning that friends with good intentions have held me back a bit.... friends that are at as much of a loss as I am as to what help I need or are still concerned with my healing process. The water doesn't care. I have to take care of myself, I have to remember the things I've learned.. to keep moving, to keep myself upright, to move in the right direction. It's always there to catch me if I fall and it doesn't disappear if I have to turn around to try again, but it's not going to cut me any slack.

And in that moment, I realized that's what I need.

Learning and accepting the wheelchair or crutches is going to take a while, just because I'm still in limbo on the fate of my legs and I refuse to jump in fully until I'm more confident I won't have to start all over. Again. I will need help, it's the nature of the beast. I just don't need to be coddled.. I do need to learn these things and I can't do that if I'm not allowed to try. For the last few months, I have actually been celebrating the moments where I'm left alone so I can clear a lunch table, or pick something up, or figure out how to reach something, or scope out how I'm going to leave an area, or get myself something before my company comes back. I'm quite proud of myself when I'm actually asked to do these simple things because it means I'm being seen as a person, and not as a person in a wheelchair.

As for the personal healing I need to do... keep the hugs coming, but stop acting like I'm going break! When someone pauses on a word and changes direction, or apologizes for bringing up my brother, or doesn't know how to respond because I do, or asks if it's okay to talk about something, it makes the healing a conscious effort. It make me feel like I should be reacting differently... kind of like when a kid falls; if you react, they think it's time to cry. I have to live the rest of life without my brother and I need to learn how to do that, while still remembering him and acknowledging that 33 years of my memories have him there. Just like learning things with the wheelchair and the crutches, I can't do that if I'm not allowed to try.

Basically I'm asking you to be the water. Be there to catch me, understand when I have to try again (I'm doing a lot of testing different things right now), but don't cut me any slack. If you wouldn't have done it for me two years ago (or even 10 months ago), at least let me try. And I know it's hard, but wait for me to ask for help.... feel free to stay close because I might need help fast, but let me have my confidence back, the control over myself.

That's been a major point that's been lacking. Confidence, and some frustration, is what led me out to the river this morning and it is what kept me there.

Confidence is what is going to get me back to saying things like "I don't know if  I can do that 'dangerous thing', but I'll give it a shot!" And hopefully I can find someone in the area to announce loud enough for my mom to hear, "that's awesome!"

Dumbo Again!

I had to defend my title. Had to see how far I had come since my first half. Wanted spend time with my friends. Wanted to see my friends at the race. Needed a break in Disneyland. All those things had me going back to the Dumbo Double Dare. Things didn't really go to plan.

After finally getting back to Tsunami after spraining my fingers, I happily discovered that I had become the poster child for cross training during an injury; I was able to pick up my training where I should be instead of where I was. Then the nerve damage/muscle spasm in my shoulder decided to show up about 2.5 weeks before leaving. I did everything I could to work through it... ice, heat, stretching, tape, and finally entirely resting the whole week before we left. Some personal stresses didn't really help either. I kind of felt like hell.

It was good to be with friends though.. and to see the ones I mostly only see at Disney. And it was really cool to stay at the Disneyland Hotel (for the very first time!), albeit getting spoiled by the quick walk to the start line in the process. And as an added bonus, Stitch was the theme for the 10K... aaaaaand I had gotten the best jersey EVER for my birthday!!!

Uh.. spoiler alert; I managed to finish the 10K.... but check out my jersey!

They very much improved the expo from the chaos that was last year... of course, we made our own when I decided to go up the elevator while my friends went up the ramp, thus splitting the group up. Aaaand guess what, my phone had died during the drive down. After searching with a Cast Member that had seen them, she let me use her phone (fortunately I have the number for my Rabbit friend on an emergency bracelet) and I eventually was able to tell them where I was.

Turns out they made other improvements as well. The morning of the 10K, we ended up with an escort after voicing our concerns about getting to the ADA tent without getting stuck in the crowd like we did last year. Our escort's job was done about 20 feet later when we saw that it was a straight shot to the gate by the tent. This time, I was able to talk to everyone, and meet a woman doing her first 10K, before needing to switch chairs. A couple friends also came over for pictures! Aaaand then we caused our usual shenanigans at the start line... the take us up so early, we have to keep ourselves entertained somehow!

I started the 10K by spending the first mile trying to straighten my front wheel.. apparently Tsunami thought we really needed to go to the right. After that, I was able to push better, but my shoulder didn't want to play. I believe I told it to shut up. Fortunately I don't think I said it out loud. At the end, it turns out I took 3 minutes off my 10K time from last year. It was fun to go through the finish because I sat up enough to show off Stitch and they were sure to announce it... I got many compliments on my jersey while I waited for my friends to come in.

And we even all survived....!!

We were able to wander the parks a bit, have an early dinner with friends, and check out the Pasta Party in the Park (or something like that) for a few minutes before we gave up and headed back to the hotels to go to bed. There had been an announcement for a pre-half photo-op at the ADA tent at 445am. We kind of slid in sideways for the pictures, but we were able to take a few group pictures and I got to talk to everyone (I was also instructed that I HAD to defend my title... I had competition this time) before our Start Line escort announced we had to head over. Once again, shenanigans ensued...

They left us unsupervised again... (photo credit to the selfie taker up front)

I had fixed my front wheel and had my shoulder taped the night before, so this takeoff was much better. I didn't fall behind nearly as much this time, but when I looked up I couldn't figure out if everyone had passed me or not. The parks went by smoothly, then I headed towards the overpass... it was nice to remember my parents standing on that first corner last year. A man ran up next to me and asked how I was doing and I told him I wasn't looking forward to the incline. He announced that I would do great and that I "eat hills for lunch!", then ran backwards in front of me for a bit cheering me on. I had several of those moments for the next few miles; a friend was out on the course taking pictures, I smiled when I got to the point where my Rabbit caught up to me last year and got me going again, the mile of car show had some great cheering (one lady told me I was 4th or 5th... which was when I realized I must be in front of the other female push rim), a man helped me when I thought I was going to flip on the hill during the trail part, I made it through the stadium unscathed this time (and even up that ramp I had been worried about), a man that was spectating rushed over to help me when Tsunami's rim started coming off then cheered loudly as I headed off again. At that point, I saw that my goal of taking my time under 1:40 was just barely in reach.

3 miles left and I took off on a sprint. I believe those last three miles were all about 7 minutes or under. A friend cheered loudly as I passed him a little after mile 12 and gave me the boost I needed to get to the finish. I finished with a wave of cheers... and was one minute over my goal. Something to shoot for next time. I was glad I had even made it that close with recently recovering from a hand injury, then fighting with my shoulder. It still showed me how much I have improved from a year ago, and with my own chair. I ended up taking 3 minutes off of my half time from last year as well! And didn't crash this time!!

So yes, I wasn't entirely prepared for this race or this trip, and things didn't go as planned... but they did. Kind of. It was a bit harder than to find my fun and inspirations and such, but I made it. I defended my title, spent time with friends, got to see how far my training has come (going faster even with injuries is pretty telling), and I got a bit of a break at least.

And hell, I got my picture with Mickey.. can't complain about that!

And a bonus for my Disney with disabilities friends.. and anyone else curious:
Blue Bayou and allergies: when the reservation was made, my allergies had been indicated (thank you for that!) and that was the first thing our server asked about. She said she was going to have the chef come out and help with my order. He was at another table, so she took everyone else's order while we waited. The chef was great in offering my allergy conflicts to what I wanted to order, then giving me the alternatives, and taking charge of my plate to avoid as much cross contamination as possible... he even brought my plate out himself!

Rain Forest Cafe and allergies: While ordering, I had told the server that one thing I didn't want was because of an allergy and the other I just didn't like. The chef came out to discuss it with me, then also took charge of my plate. He brought it out with much flair and jokingly proclaimed he put extra of the things I didn't want.

Wheelchair and DAS: City Hall seems to be in a flux on policies. When we got there, they didn't have a Cast Member at the door at the top of the ramp... instead, my friend was told to stand in line for me. However, another Cast Member had mercy on me and called me up a couple minutes later because she figured I simply needed to update my DAS (as an annual pass holder, my card is good for 6 months. I just need to update it rather than going through the process of entering my information again.. they just scan it and reprint with the new dates). A phone conversation with Guest Services today reassured me that they're working on the policies in City Hall as to how guests that need the ramp fall in line.
An update that happened was they added more DAS kiosks since I was there in March. There are now 4 in Disneyland and 3 in California Adventure, rather than the 2 each before. They were also placed better than the previous ones, easier to get to.

Team Tsunami

Back at the end of 2012, I decided to get my own wheelchair to help when I would be on my feet for too long. At the time, I could still walk (usually with a cane), just not for long... I now use crutches when I'm not in the chair. In my search for a chair, I found that usually they're fitted after an accident and/or during rehab. I hadn't been in an accident and I was beyond rehab.. I was simply the victim of a "medical fluke" that caused degeneration in one leg. Fortunately, I had a friend that was happy to talk to me and give his recommendations, and I found a wheelchair store that had the chair I decided I wanted. Next was getting myself a racing chair. I found a local community center that had one I could borrow and my friends led the charge in fundraising for me to be able to pay for my own... I call them my sponsors in regards to my chair: Tsunami

After two years of medical bills (and still no diagnosis or talk of treatment), then losing my brother and my job within 3 months, and now finding myself on unemployment and Medi-Cal I can barely keep my head above water, much less get the uncovered medical equipment I need (currently dreaming of better crutches so I can walk more) or be able sign up for and go to races with my pretty blue chair.

I would like to say that going to races is completely altruistic in trying to get more awareness for wheelchair sports and being able to more readily convince anyone that they can get out there as well.... but it also feels great to be able to still be out there. Training is great, but nothing beats the feeling of the start line, the athletes, the spectators, the volunteers, and hearing your name announced as you cross the finish line.

I have had Tsunami for about 9 months now, her first races were the Dopey Challenge in DisneyWorld... after only knowing each other a month, we managed to make it through a 5K, 10K, Half Marathon, and my very first Marathon in four days of running. Tsunami and I immediately became a team... we even have matching scars from a fall during the marathon. And so I started a t-shirt fundraiser through Teespring and Team Tsunami was born. If I can get at least 50 people to reserve a Team Tsunami shirt, tank top, or hoodie, they'll print the lot and send me the profits, which will go towards the previously mentioned crutches and races. There are performance shirts and t-shirts (unisex and women's), tank tops, hoodies, and a long sleeve in either royal blue or gray/white... and they all have my Tsunami logo!


During all my searches for a wheelchair, races I could participate in, good and bad experiences with race directors, and learning how to continue hiking on the trails that I love, I had decided to start a website with this information all in one place. That had been put on the back burner because of work and other commitments.. and being unable to decide on a name. With this fundraising effort, that desire has come back full force. It will be called Team Tsunami, with the tagline "Be a force to be reckoned with." My goal is encouragement and awareness for all athletes (wether you consider yourself one or not, we are ALL athletes!). I have been called an inspiration many times because I decided to find a way to keep going rather than become a spectator. While I don't like to be called an inspiration, it does make me proud that I may have convinced someone else to try something they didn't think they could do, just by showing up... most importantly with a smile on my face.

Please join Team Tsunami in being that encouragement as well. If you would like to get a shirt, please visit (this fundraiser ends on September 24th); http://teespring.com/teamtsunamikk_copy_1

Thank you!!

Curiosity killed the cat... or made it stronger?

I have to admit something... I know way too much about how my legs work (or don't work, as the case may be).

I'm a researcher. When something doesn't work, I need to find out why either by taking it apart or looking things up... when something does work, I still like to find out why. Hell, sometimes I just like to know how things work in general. I'm just not very good at the technical terms.

For example, this is what happened when I decided to adjust "one thing" on Saber

So when the doctors started throwing out all kinds of medical terms, I started asking them to then tell me "in english" and looked up what they were talking about. I know that the problem with my hamstring is actually coming from my gluteus, which is caused the "muscle spasm" in my lower back/upper hip. I know that when the doctors and therapists tell me that my hip is messing with my knee, it's due to the aforementioned muscle spasm, my sensitive IT band, and (now) weak quads. I know that most of my ankle problems are actually traveling down from my calf.. and that the rest are caused by my "jacked up" foot structure (that's the kind of technical term I remember.. straight from a podiatrist). I know that so many defects have been identified in my joints, that even the doctors are probably starting to wonder how I made it so far. I know what muscle hurts, why it hurts, and how to stretch it to make it stop hurting.
A conversation with my chiropractor a while back; She had asked about my activity over weekend and I told her it was fun, but I did too much... My hip area "is not happy, I would go so far as to say it's angry".
Her reply: I mostly have patients are in tune with their bodies or are just really not, and then there's you in this whole other class. I'd put you in with Marines, Navy SEALS, martial artists, pro athletes... You know specifically what hurts and why, and you still go out and ride or roll and say I'm gonna do this anyway!

But just in my legs.

I have ventured into new territory now; the upper body. I know a bit about my shoulder and neck because I've been to physical therapy for that, but this week it came into full focus that I need to learn more. It took many searches to finally find the stretches I needed for my upper back... turned out to be as simple as looking up stretches for my trapezius muscles. And I have already learned that working on the muscles down my sides help put the shoulder blades back where they should be, which will also helps the trapezius.... also working on my neck will help too.

I thought I had sensitive spots in my legs...... those were nothing as compared to the smaller muscles in the upper body..

Face Your Fears

You see, ever since I fell during the marathon, I've been afraid to fall again. I've had some bad run ins with hills, some panicky moments, but I kept telling myself I needed to fully recover from Dopey. Get my strength back. So for my run, I went to a trail that I frequent quite a bit, one I know I can do... but when I had to turn around for the third time, I got mad. At myself, at Tsunami, at the trail, and finally, at my brother (but more on that one later). I had gotten myself stuck between two inclines that I couldn't get up and ended up charging at one of them. I wasn't ready for it and ended up rolling backwards, desperately trying to stop without flipping. As Tsunami finally stilled, halfway off the trail and no longer pointing in any useful direction, I had found my answer; I was too afraid to fall and wasn't reacting like I usually do in this kind of situation.

I wrote that about 5 months ago.. if you didn't read that post, my usual reaction is to go out as soon as possible attacking hills.. going balls to the wall trying to figure out how to do it right. I was working on that still when I sprained my fingers at the end of June, then Tsunami was benched for a month. Two weekends ago, I was able to participate in the 5K I had signed up for, last weekend I did really well with my goal mileage at the Relay For Life, so this week I really worked on picking up my training schedule. Today, was my first long run; 15 miles. I figured it would be a good way to figure how much training I lost or how well all the cross training I had been doing worked.

Seems all that cross training was working on my confidence as well. I ended up going to the same trail as I spoke of in the quoted post above. First thing I did was go straight to that incline that sent me backwards. All the way there, I was making a plan on how to get up.

Then I got there. It was right in front of me. It wasn't much of an incline.

All the plans went out the window and I just headed right up. I couldn't go much farther on that part of the trail, so I soon headed back and went a different direction... towards another incline I hadn't been sure about. I went up the first part of that one, but didn't want to waste my time going all the way up just to turn around there; I can't go down the other side because I need a spotter with me to figure out how to get over a bump coming back up. This time, when I got back to the cross trail, I decided to go the direction I've never really gone before. This one immediately has an overpass, which I had seen when I was driving to the park, it had looked long and not too steep so I headed up and over. And for the next 5.5 miles, I encountered some underpasses and a couple declines that were going to get interesting on the way back. I went a little farther than I was supposed to because I was so close to the end of the trail.. can't pass that up! An older gentlemen on a bike passed me near the end and as he came up next me, he proclaimed "The key to life is to just keep moving forward. Keep on truckin'!"

I was at about 12 miles when I got to the first incline. I was tired. I sat and looked at it for a moment while I rested. I decided it was like the driveway at home and made it up just fine. That one led to a bridge to get to a crosswalk, which led across the street to get back on the trail... but to get back to the trail, there's a small, steep bump. While avoiding all the bikes that were crossing the opposite direction, I was unprepared for the bump. 

I got stuck. My front tire came up a couple inches. I rolled back just a fraction. I dug in. I pushed down the panic as I pushed down on the rim. Finally, I got the tires to move and I had a small fireworks show in my head. A few more pushes and I was at the top. I happened to look over at the car stopped at the light next to me and the guy in passenger seat was cheering me on behind his window. I gave him a bright smile and turned onto the trail.

Now I was really tired, and I knew I still had that overpass to get back over... plus I was going slightly uphill with a headwind. I took it easy the next couple miles and sat at the bottom of the overpass for a couple minutes. I'm not going to say it was easy, but I got over it.. my 15th mile beep sounded as I headed back down, but I pushed back to the cross trail before resetting my Garmin for a cool down back to the car.

During the cool down, it really dawned on me what I just accomplished:
1) I was able to pick up my training where I should be rather than where I left off
2) I proved I am stronger than I was before my injury
3) I made it up some freakin' hills that I wouldn't have been able to a few months ago
4) I did it all confidently.. at that first incline, I was even a little cocky
5) Aaaaaand I am still in one piece!

Keep on truckin'!