Rise Again and Fight

I started this year lost and with a broken heart... then just a few months in, what was left of my foundation all but crumbled. And I wandered. I floundered. I lost my fight.

But I rose again. I stood up and fought back. Only to have my world shatter again. And again. And again. In smaller pieces each time, but no less devastating to my already fragile psyche. I was running out of the glue that held me together. I was letting people I care about push me away... yet I gripped tighter so I would not lose anything else, until I realized it wasn't doing any good; I couldn't let anyone care about me and hurt me at the same time. Not now. So I stood up one more time.

For myself. Against myself.

It was time to take my choices back. Those choices I learned as a teenager; I choose to have a good day, I choose to smile instead of cry or yell, I choose how I react to how people treat me, I choose what is going on with my legs, I choose to keep moving forward.

Many months ago, I consciously began to heal. I made better choices for myself; where I lived, how I worked, who I spent time with, how I looked at the world around me.

A few months ago, I decided the limbo with my legs was unacceptable. I can only push the medical system so much, but I can at least dwindle my options. The crutches had to go. I went back to my cane and started using my wheelchair a bit more and it seems to be working better for me. The limp is still rather horrible, but I also do okay with my refusal to use a wheelchair while at home (or in familiar homes).

A couple months ago, I was fed up with how some people were treating me and with how I was reacting to it (the aforementioned gripping tighter), so I chose to speak up and sometimes even walk away. I do still hope some relationships can heal with some time away, but others seem to have left for good. After doing this many years ago, I do know that some people were only meant to be in my life for a certain amount of time and I will be better off without the hurt.. but that knowledge doesn't really make it hurt any less right now.

So I move forward, and I do it for myself.

I finally feel like I have my control back, my choices, my fight. I'm still a work in progress and I'll never be the same person I was, but I'm doing better. I'm more ready with a smile. I enjoy trying new things again. I'm better at taking care of myself. I'm glad to have learned the things I learned. I just don't ever want to relive the year 2014.... it was a tough year; a lot of good things happened, but overall it was just too much for one year and I don't want do it anymore. I look forward to 2015 and hope for better things on the horizon. I believe in those better things more than I did at this time last year because I feel hopeful rather than hopeless. At that makes next year better already.