Light and Depression

"Unfortunately we live in a world where if you break your arm, everyone runs over to sign your cast. But if you tell people you are depressed, everyone runs the other way."

I read that in a post by local journalist Frank Somerville about a week ago and it has been on my mind ever since because it really hit home for me. I have lived it. I have also lived the opposite. Sometimes at the same time...

When my leg first took that horrible turn and there was still hope it was just an injury, everyone was at the ready to hear the results... my leg had degraded too much and I could not run anymore. At that sentence, my small community gathered around to help, to encourage, to give me a push, and eventually sponsor my racing wheelchair. They stuck with me and were proud to be there. And I appreciated every smile, every hug, every cheer, every push on my journey.

Then things got worse. I had too many moments of "I can't" or "I wish I could still..." as my legs dwindled and became more painful. I stayed in medical limbo as doctors continued to shrug their shoulders as to why I was losing strength so fast and why my "bad" leg hurt so much or would not move the way it should, or why my "good" leg was suddenly less inclined to support the other one anymore. I refused to completely transition into my wheelchair until I actually knew what was going to happen, and some took that as denying I needed it, which always led to a rant about the wheelchair not being my first choice. My fight was pointed AT myself rather than FOR myself more often than I would like to admit. Some of my community tiptoed away as they tired of the negative side of me, others tiptoed in loving the positive side... and I appreciated both. Those that left opened my eyes to what I was doing to myself, and those that came in reminded me that I really like the positive me. And those that hung in there with me, either giving me a smile and a hug or a good smack when I needed it, became the lights in my day. All became my encouragement to find a happy place in my life by changing what I could and fighting or trying to accept the things I couldn't.

And on this upsweep I lost my brother, then I lost my job... then I was asked to leave my residence, which led to a less than ideal living situation, which led me back to my parents' house. Have I mentioned all of this has been in the span of just over two years now? My legs went down at the end of 2012 and I spent 2013 going doctor to doctor while learning/exploring my new world with wheelchairs and crutches. My brother passed at the end of 2013, just when I thought I had a handle on things, and, well I was a mess for pretty much all of 2014. Depression hit me hard because it has always been in the background for me. I'm not saying I was an unhappy child, but it is rare that I have a completely happy memory. My teenage years were filled with negativity until I was 16, when I decided I hated that black cloud that seemed to follow me and I began to poke holes of light into my gray sky. I made a conscious effort to look towards those pieces of light until it was automatic. Then the sky fell in on me.

At first, my small community grew and became strong for me, lifting those big pieces away with hugs and reassurances. The support was still there as I found my own strength to start clearing away the pieces on my own. It has been a slow process with more downs than ups, more "I can't" and "no" and "I hate this", more tears than smiles.... and a bigger black cloud than ever. And some that were most prevalent right at the beginning started to fade away, not leaving completely, just waiting on the outskirts to see what would happen. Others stepped in, braving the darkness to encourage those hints of light along with those that braved the storm that was my world. After some surprising people left entirely and others stepped in, and I realized my small community was mostly different from two years ago, I had a turning point. Same as that 16 year old kid that was tired of being in the dark, I found the strength to look at things differently. To recognize that there was more happy around me than sad. That I don't have to poke holes in my world to bring the light in, I'm better off leaving my gray surroundings whole and secure, and being the source of light myself. And already I find there is more light in my world than ever before because others are happy to join me and be an addition to the light rather than a source.

To those that have stayed with me, thank you for braving the storm, for picking up the pieces, for giving me the strength to pick myself back up. To those that left (especially when things were bad), thank you for opening my eyes and giving me a reason to change how I viewed my world... it hurt when it happened, sometimes still does and I'm also still healing from some new ones, but I know it was/will be a good thing for both of us. To those that came in (again, especially when things were bad) or came back, thank you for reminding me that the light of my smile, the hope in my heart, and my psychotic optimism are the things I like the most about myself.. and others seem to as well.

Now I am proud to have such great people with me. And I very much appreciate every smile, every hug, every cheer, every push on my journey.