Not In My Head

My last post inspired some really good conversations... mostly friends noticing my improvements in walking and standing, or more importantly, my confidence in walking and standing. Also, most importantly, cheering me on in this fight.

It also inspired some less than helpful conversations; along the lines of "I told you it was in your head" and "you should be walking more!" The second one being without any regard for how much it hurts me... physically, both are pretty damn hurtful emotionally.

Before the less than helpful conversations continue, let me address them.

It is not all in my head. Never has been and never will be. The pain is very real and so is the lack of function. Basically, my body has overreacted to injuries and/or defects over the years and sent panic signals to my brain, which then turned that into pain and doctors turned to modifications in the hopes of healing that never came. Over time that led to weakness and less function in my leg, some rewiring in my brain, and eventually a disconnect to my leg. Essentially, my brain was trying to protect me from all the alarms and eventually all the rewiring went haywire. A few years ago, my stint in acupuncture helped quite a bit in doing a hard reset and recalibration of some of my rewiring, but that was more therapeutic than a solution.

So it's not all in my head, but my head is part of the solution. The cognitive behavioral therapy is more rewiring.. except consciously and in an effort to make everything work correctly again. It's a lot of positive reenforcement and reminding myself that my leg works and it will hold me up. It's using my stubbornness to correct something that was supposed to be helpful, but has gone horribly wrong. It's taking my desire to simply walk out of the house without all the extra stuff every now and then, and making it a reality. It's giving a big middle finger to all the doctors that told me nothing was wrong. It's getting to the point of being able to figure what the damage has actually been so I can move forward in getting help medically (I may be heading towards pain blockers), in disability services (mostly in getting a job I can sustain.. or finally determining that I am, in fact, disabled), and in getting classified for sports.



And to anyone that bluntly tells me I should be walking more, thinking it's just that simple. that big middle finger is for you too. Chronic pain is invisible to you, but it paints my every step and every movement, sometimes every breath.

To anyone that can count themselves in that very first paragraph, you're awesome! You make this fight just a little bit easier.