I'm Back!

I haven't written in a long time... but since I started this blog as a kind of therapy, it's only fitting that I start up again as I'm in another kind of therapy.

But first, a quick update: I am currently diagnosed with POTS, IST, and mild hyper mobility; treatment for the POTS and IST has made me functional again! Mostly.
Current theories: Sjogrens (waiting on test approval), MCAS (trying to convince my doctor to send me for tests), and CRPS (currently in physical therapy as a test before pain blockers).


CRPS is why I'm back... along with physical therapy, I'm working on cognitive behavioral therapy. Essentially, the physical therapy is trying to get me walking again by convincing my leg that it works. The method for this is to make it angry. And ohhhhhhh it's definitely angry. My leg has fallen back into its old ways of pretty much lighting itself on fire in the hopes that I will just stop using it. Unfortunately for my leg, that's exactly what the cognitive therapy is making me fight against... it's like trying to convince a kid well-versed in getting their way with tantrums that the tantrum won't work anymore.

Physical Therapy is all about pushing me into walking, making me put weight on my leg.. both for longer and farther than the week before. Thankfully, my competitive streak is stronger than the pain and makes me want to keep going. I do still have to bow to the dizziness the POTS causes when I stand too long, though.

Strength Training has moved focus to my glutes and core, which my trainer is happy to torture; this gives my therapist more time to work on the walking and makes my therapy more effective.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is changing my mindset little by little. Instead of thinking my leg can't do something, I'm essentially reminding myself that it can. So far, the therapy has pointed out how all-encompassing my mistrust of my leg has been; I have no faith that my leg will hold me up step after step simply because it has betrayed me over and over for the last 25 years. Every time I had surgery or went to physical therapy, I got better and was given hope that I would be okay, only for it to break down again and be worse than before. Trust issues are hard for me, no matter what the issues are with, so I've started small.. I walk across my room without my cane at least a few times a day. It's only two or three steps, but it's more than I've been able to do on my own in a long time!
 
The other problem is the pain. Pushing through it, walking through it, telling myself it's a reaction rather than a sign that something is wrong. When my leg started breaking down and led to the wheelchair, I followed doctor's orders to modify and that led to my initial strength loss.. eventually leading to loss of control and inability to bear weight. I did not follow this path when my arm started showing the same symptoms; I kept using the arm, I pushed it through strength training, and only modified as my arm demanded (my grip is horrible, so some sports require a grip glove). I'm trying to move this same mindset to my leg. And some days I just can't do it.

Recently, all the activity has been causing spasms in my leg, which are progressively getting worse. And that's making the pain in my leg worse because muscles that don't necessarily work are trying to compensate for the spasming muscles to try to prevent the spasm. That pain is more than a reaction, but it's hard to make that call when I'm trying to convince myself I need to push through. I'm grateful to work with a coach and trainer that understand (or want to understand) the battle and ultimately let me make the call.. while still making sure I know they're there to help.

Today is one of those days that I just can't do it. My leg spasmed and wouldn't stop during rowing on Wednesday, so the plan for Friday was to pull me before the spasms started. We didn't make it quite that far because my hip hurt too much. Luckily, my body seems to be getting out of its protective mode and I got the best adjustment at the chiropractor later that day. Yesterday was obviously a healing/rest day.... and today, I just can't put up the fight. Just sitting here typing hurts and I want to go back to bed. So welcome to my therapy for the day.. thank you for reading this far, but really, this just needed to be out of my head in one big piece ;)